The role and functions of the father in raising a boy and a girl

Why do you need a dad?

Often, even in two-parent families, children are practically deprived of their father's upbringing. They are told almost from birth that dad is tired, he cannot be disturbed, etc. As a result, fathers and children exist in isolation from each other.

The situation is even more complicated in single-parent families. We must remember that no matter how hard mom tries, she cannot fully replace dad.

The fact is that men have a fundamentally different approach to raising children. They are stricter, firmer in their demands, more categorical in their assessments, but at the same time they give the child a sense of security, build self-confidence, and teach him to control emotions.

It is from dads that children learn logic and consistency in actions.

The role of the father in the family and the lives of children is difficult to overestimate. It is he:

gives children a feeling of confidence and security;
teaches you to cope with difficulties;
establishes rules of behavior in the family, maintains order and discipline;
plans the future of the family, takes responsibility for everyone;
helps develop such qualities as courage, determination, moral and physical strength;
shows by his own example how to be able to solve tasks and problems;
shows and explains what is good and what is bad;
is a model for a boy, becomes the prototype of an ideal man for a girl;
helps mom, supports her.

Also, using the example of complete couples, children will be able to see and understand how to behave correctly with the opposite sex, learn gender roles, and understand the distribution of functions in the family.

Dads teach proper interaction in a team; it is through their example that the first hierarchies in a child’s life are usually built, which will come in handy in adult life, for example, when building relationships with superiors.

The role of the father in the life of a child

This chapter is from the book “Purpose of Being a Mom” Read more »

In the modern world, the role of the father is leveled. Many women believe that the father is not important and unnecessary. They can earn money themselves, give birth to a child without a man, raise them themselves, buy apartments for their children. And it seems like - why a man? Is it necessary and important?

In addition, excessive demands are placed on fathers. He must love the child while still in the belly, must take part in his life from the cradle and enjoy it. And he must also become understanding and voluntarily stand in the background when the miracle was born.

Then the mothers evaluate whether he is a good father. How long does he walk, can he be left alone, what does he teach, what can he teach. How he talks, how he walks, who he works with. Does he have a photo of a child on his desk and does he pee like boiling water when looking at baby photos...

Fathers are different. They are not like mothers. It took me nine years of marriage, the birth of almost three boys, to understand:

A man does not immediately understand what is happening when his wife’s test “streaked.” What happens for her over nine months falls on him in one day. When I brought my wife and child home from the maternity hospital. But it’s not like in the movies.
Men really think at first that babies don’t scream at night, don’t have stomach pains, and don’t get sick. And men know absolutely nothing about the crises of two or three years. They don’t remember themselves at that age. And for them all this becomes a serious test. Especially the first time.
The man is really sure that with the birth of the child he will remain “number one” for his wife.

And what unsettles them is not that the house is not cleaned or dinner is not ready. But the fact that his woman does not belong entirely to him. And he doesn't even try to do anything about it. She doesn’t see a problem with this, and even accuses her husband of being callous.

The man was not preparing to become a father. He did not play daughter-mother, did not read books or magazines. With the birth of a child, he immediately finds himself in a new and stressful situation. And he needs time to get used to it, adapt, rebuild. More time than a woman. There is also the possibility of making mistakes. Sometimes pick up the pacifier from the floor and put it in the baby's mouth. Sometimes it’s wrong to put on a diaper. This is fine.
Men don't go crazy over babies. My husband, who helped with every child from the diaper, recently admitted that children aged three and up are best. It's more interesting with them. They are more understandable and funny. You can get weird with them. And I, for example, am crazy about newborn babies. I'm a girl
A man can put a completely stupid T-shirt on a child. Not because he doesn’t love, not because he’s stupid. I just took the first one I came across and put it on. Where did you find it. It doesn’t matter to him what the child is wearing. He can even put sandals on the wrong feet. And he won't notice. Simply because it is insignificant to him.
A man can feed his child not soup from the refrigerator, but yogurt. Not just because it's easier. And not because he is irresponsible and does not worry about his health at all. But because the child loves yogurt more. Which was in the refrigerator next to the soup.
A man can be harsher towards children. Because he is worried about their future. And often he does not know any other upbringing than the one he had. And twenty or thirty years ago, children were flogged with a belt, and this was considered the norm. So the man hangs the strap on a nail. He's not a monster, he just doesn't know any other way.
A man is much more creative in games than a woman. Together with the children, dad can come up with something that mom can’t wrap her head around. But - what is most important - both dad and children will be delighted with this game.
A man melts from children's hugs just as much as a woman. From a child’s “I love you,” from kisses before leaving, from drawings with dad. It’s just that very often men hide it. So that, God forbid, no one finds where their most vulnerable spot is.
A man will not sit by the crib of a sick child, listen to his breathing, or read on the Internet about the color of poop. He goes to the pharmacy. The doctor will be invited. The man is specific and helps with action.
A man worries about children no less than a woman. Or maybe even more. He just never shows it. She will be afraid for the baby and will punish him for such pranks. He will be ashamed and scream. Men don't know how to work with feelings. They show what they can as best they can. But they are very worried about the future of their children.
Men go through crises with their children just like women. One day their child will be as old as they were when the trauma overtook them - kindergarten, hospital, loss of a loved one. And at this time they can also lose their minds. They may stop communicating, become withdrawn, and become irritable. This is normal - because it is temporary.

For a man, family is very important. But if she becomes the meaning of his whole life and the most important thing, the man degrades. He becomes depressed and everything falls apart. Because a man remains mentally healthy only when his goal is to change the outside world. For the sake of your family.

Therefore, he can work a lot - and this is normal. He may spend less time with the children than we would like. But more important is how he spends this time.

And yet there is no better assistant and comrade-in-arms than the husband and father of the child. I have seen many “special” families – where raising a child is several times more difficult. And those families where there were fathers who actively participated in the development of the child achieved more. Best results. More love. Moreover, among former autistic people I personally don’t know a single one who could be rescued by one mother. But I see many families who managed it together.

Dads are different!

Dads have a different approach, different methods. But love is just as strong. Let it not be born immediately, but only reach its peak after a few years. Let it not always be visible and understandable to us. Let her be more demanding and firm. Let them participate in fewer child-related activities and spend less time.

They don't have to be the same as us. There would be no point. Maternal and paternal love together create a complete world for the child. And his whole personality.

A father's love cannot be replaced by anything. A connection with the father that is severed is difficult to restore. To do this, it is important that the child himself wants to establish this connection. But if he constantly hears bad things about dad, if he has been convinced that dad is not needed, where will such a desire come from?

From a systemic point of view, a lot depends on the relationship with the father. For example, the success of a girl’s marriage. Or relationships with sons. And also – finding oneself in the adult world. Find your business and succeed in it. Maybe that’s why this issue is so pressing now? After all, almost everyone has problems accepting their fathers, and half of the children grow up in single-parent families, without a father...

And from the same systemic point of view, a child will never establish a relationship with his father if he does not receive the “blessing” of his mother. Until the mother admits that this is not only her child, and the father has the same right to his love. And this is also very difficult.

Relationships with mother and father are the first two main exams in this world that must be passed. Without which everything else is meaningless. First we learn the multiplication table, and only then the integrals.

The father gives the child much more than we think. Not only DNA and generic scripts. The Father also gives the strength to live, and the courage to find one’s place in this world, and reason, and the opportunity to progress. A good connection with your father gives you a lot.

And if there is no way to establish this connection in external relationships - the father is not around, he died, he is unknown, he has degraded, establish it inside. So that when you think about dad you feel warm. So that there is gratitude inside for what he gave you (even if it is “just” your life).

What is it like when you have a father?

I didn't have a father. In the sense that I did not have the joy of communicating with him. He died when I was two years old. And even if I really wanted to see him, it would be impossible.

And for a long time I thought that this was normal. I saw the fathers of other children - or rather, I saw their shortcomings. Just as I was taught. This one drinks, this one is a wuss, this one doesn’t work, this one doesn’t care about the children. And I came to the idea that it was normal - without a father. Even better. But the house is clean, quiet, calm. No one runs after mom with a frying pan like our dorm neighbors. Nobody builds me.

And then I got married. This is generally a mystical story of how this happened. But that's not what I'm talking about. And I met my husband's father. My father-in-law. And I realized how much I had actually been deprived of all these years.

My husband's father is a real man. My husband always remembers with warmth how he and my dad picked mushrooms and berries, built a summer house, and tinkered with cars. Although his dad worked a lot - and still works a lot. And one could certainly find flaws in it. But I don’t want to deal with this nonsense. I see - through the example of my husband - how important and necessary a father is. Connect with him, accept him and respect him. This allowed me to begin my inner work of reconciliation and acceptance of my dad.

And now it’s as if I have a second dad who, when I meet him, tells me: “If anything happens, complain to me about him! I’ll build it quickly!” And a hitherto unknown sensation comes. Feeling of protection. They take care of me. I'm not alone, I don't have to defend myself. It's amazing.

Then I remembered my mother’s stories about her father. Which she also did not see as often and as much as she would like. But who gave her so much love that she has not forgotten to this day.

And I remembered Uncle Sasha, the man who looked after my mother when I was seven. How I loved receiving letters from him, in which there was always a drawing for me, how carefully I kept his photographs, and waited for his arrival. He came only a few times a year, for sessions. And there were so few free days to communicate with him. But I still draw a cow the way he taught me. And it was probably his stories about sea voyages that gave birth to my dream - to see the world. By the way, my husband is very similar to him, I suspect that my miracle of marriage happened largely due to how good it was then, next to Uncle Sasha. No matter how much my mother loved me, she could not give this to me.

And no mother can replace both for a child. Because male love is different. More reserved. More rare. And very desirable. Desired by every child in their own way.

Boys expect exciting adventures from their dads, girls expect adoration. For girls, this is both an opportunity to be a princess for the first time and a feeling of a reliable rear. After all, dad will throw any boyfriend down the stairs if he offends his daughter.

Can you say that your dad or the father of your children is not like that? Just think if he had a chance to become like this. Was he given time, were mistakes forgiven, were they included in his situation, were they helped to cope with crises. Or they only demanded and took away from him - love, money, time, strength, without waiting until he himself was ready to give. Was he allowed to choose for himself how to love the child, or were they dictated strict frameworks and conditions that he had to comply with?

When our eldest son was six months old, I was sure that my husband was not the best father. He was not interested, all the worries were on me. He still needed attention. And if we had not agreed then, I would have become stronger in this feeling. And after me, my son would begin to think and feel the same way...

But now I see what an amazing father he is. How the boys adore him, how they miss him when he’s gone. Let him not do everything that “an ideal father should do” - I don’t need that. Let him not always spend as much time with them as they and I would like. After all, feeding, clothing, washing, putting to bed is mother’s job. In all this we need maternal tenderness and love. But only dad can climb the biggest slide or set up an attraction on the water. And it’s more interesting to do this with dad than with mom, who will definitely worry and clutch at her heart.

And all this might not have happened if I had not given him the opportunity to become such a father. If I hadn't learned to respect him. If I hadn’t internally agreed that the children are not mine, but ours.

I'm sure that if we ever have a girl, he will be able to give her the most important things. The feeling that there is always someone to protect her. Something I didn't have before. And what appeared in my life - along with the arrival of my husband and his father.

Let your men be fathers to their children. Allow children to love their fathers for who they are. Respect them for who they are.

Accept them as you once loved them for some reason. And from which ones did you once decide to have a child? You made this choice once - even if it seems to you that you did not make it. And this choice cannot be rewritten, crossed out.

Learn to love and accept, respect your dad. Just the way he is. Remember that this is where respect for all men begins - and for yourself.

And let every child in the world from zero to one hundred and forty years old have a father behind him. Real, loving and loved.

Areas where paternal education is needed

Dads should be involved in raising children. There are a number of areas of development where male influence is simply necessary. Mom, no matter how much she wants, will not be able to work as effectively as dad.

Physical development. Men help the correct development of motor skills both in children under one year old and at an older age. Dad and baby are not afraid to play active, even extreme games. Moreover, both of them enjoy these activities. Dads boldly throw their babies, roll them on their shoulders, lift them to great heights, etc. and these fun should not be prohibited. Thanks to them, the vestibular apparatus is activated, the child learns to control his body, develops more harmoniously, but does not experience fear, because next to his dad he feels confident and calm. With older children, fathers play outdoor games, learn to swim, ride a bike, skiing, skating. He takes the kids with him on “expeditions” and “travels.”

Thought processes. Dads don’t babysit, they usually speak clearly, don’t distort sounds, call things by their proper names, which contributes to the development and formation of correct speech. Fathers teach their children how to assemble construction sets. Older children help with real things: scooters, bicycles, etc. Thanks to this, imaginative thinking and logic are trained.

Socialization, establishing relationships and norms of behavior in a team. Fathers, as a rule, make stricter demands on their children, implement punishments more often and more severely, and are more consistent in their behavior. They support the norms of behavior in the house: where a woman has to swear loudly, a man only needs to frown, and the offspring understand that they are doing something wrong. It is from dads that children first learn about approval and blame.
Balancing the relationship between mother and children. Thanks to fathers, separation from mother is less painful. The presence of a “second pole of attraction” allows the baby to naturally switch his attention to the world around him.
Gender identification. Boys imitate their dads, girls, thanks to men, better understand the female role and learn to communicate with the opposite sex.

Without the participation of the father, the child will not be able to see, understand, experience many facets of interpersonal communication, will not see examples, and will not be able to learn family values and roles.

Dad for son

A boy's father is always a role model.

The behavior and habits of the elder become the basis and model for the younger one for the rest of his life. They are fixed on a subconscious level.

In order for a boy growing up without a father to know how a man should behave, it is necessary to create someone around him who will become an example. This could be a grandfather, uncle, older brother, coach or teacher. But it must be a man.

The boy also learns the culture of interpersonal and gender relations from the example of his father. Gradually, an idea about women, about the family is formed, beliefs and stereotypes of behavior in society are developed.

A friend and senior comrade is another important role of a father in raising his son. His encouragement is especially important for boys. Kindness and well-deserved praise do not spoil the child, but build self-confidence.

The physical education and health of sons is completely in the hands of dads. Personal example shows interest in exercises and activities. In addition to developing the body, physical education allows you to build character, develop will, and teach you order and organization.

The father contributes to the child’s career guidance, because for a long time he has been the most authoritative source of information about the world around him, about how everything works and works.

Boys from prosperous families usually adhere to their father's line of behavior and his principles already in their adult lives. It’s already becoming too difficult to fix or adjust in any way.

Dad for daughter

Dad also becomes an example for his daughter. But a little different plan.

Good fathers become standards of ideal men and prototypes of future husbands. Often girls choose boys who remind them of their dad in some way. If the father was a negative example, then the daughter will look for an antagonist or come up with some image for herself that is not supported by reality. This will lead to problems with the opposite sex in the future.

With their dads, girls learn women's roles. However, it is important not to overdo it and not spoil your daughter. Often men follow the lead of their princesses. This can lead to negative consequences: the girl will grow up spoiled and eccentric. A father needs to learn to be gentle but demanding.

Parents are the role model for romantic and family relationships. Dad should demonstrate romance specifically in relation to mom.

Dads also stimulate their daughters’ cognitive activity and show them the world from unknown angles. For example, various hiking trips (for berries, mushrooms), etc. broaden your horizons, develop your imagination, and teach you how to navigate in space.

The role of a father in raising a daughter is no less important than in raising a son.

Father's Day

But there is still a large gap between research findings and true recognition of the value of fathers. At the same time, many dads express the feeling that they continue to be second-class citizens in their children's world. Books, magazines and TV shows are filled with information about mothers. There are only rare mentions of fathers.

More recently, laws, recognizing research on the role of the father in raising children in the family, have adopted more equal opportunities for obtaining custody of children in cases of divorce.

Fathers who want to take an active part in the lives of their children often face obstacles from employers and the media. And even a wife who may feel threatened by a child calling “Daddy” instead of “Mommy.”

Parity will come when Father's Day is celebrated as well as Mother's Day.

How to involve dad in the educational process

Father and children must actively interact. Only in this case will education be complete and multifaceted.

However, dads do not always show interest and desire to communicate with their offspring. In this case, the mother needs to push the man a little.

To do this you can:

ask dad to take a walk with the children - spending time together helps strengthen family relationships;
leaving him alone with the baby literally from the first weeks, it is important to overcome your fear: nothing bad will happen in a few minutes or hours, but dad will understand how difficult it is with babies;
keep your husband informed of what is happening in the children’s lives; the father must always be aware of events;
ask a man to solve a child’s problem: fix something, get something, or communicate with offenders; in life situations, the male approach often shows high efficiency;
Don’t be shy about asking for help, you just need to voice your requests clearly and specifically.

Changes are needed

Psychology has studied the role of the father in the family throughout the history of science. According to experts, in most cases, fathers find themselves uninvolved in the process of raising a child, not because they did not want it, but because they were removed by their wife. Below are some tips from psychologists for young mothers.

Pay more attention to your father's feelings, satisfy his needs for support. Talk about the feelings that arise in dad after the baby arrives.
Set aside a specific time and activity that only dad will spend with the baby. Increase the amount of time and number of activities as your child grows.
Ask for help. Dad must also be tired and lacking sleep.
Look into parenting education programs for fathers.
Pay more attention to your relationships. This is quite difficult with a small child, but necessary. The child will grow up and start his own family. And you will stay to live with this man.
Do not neglect the help of relatives, which will help you get free time.

The role of husband and father in a modern family is very important and complex. For a child, mom and dad are one. Only you understand that once upon a time two strangers met, fell in love with each other, began to live together, and went through certain stages of “grinding in” to each other. And in the eyes of the baby, you are a single whole. And if the child does not have enough father’s or mother’s attention and care, this will negatively affect his development.