The eternal problem of generations
How often do we hear that “it was better before” or “back in my time...”? At least one of these phrases is certainly (and some incessantly) uttered by hundreds and thousands of thousands of representatives of each new generation. What is significant is the statement O tempora! Oh more! (“Oh times! Oh morals!”) appeared in the 1st century BC. e., it was said by Cicero in his indictment speech. So many millennia have passed, but she is still remembered, and moreover, she is still relevant.
Based on this, is it possible to answer positively the question of whether the problem of fathers and sons is outdated today? It is unlikely that the answer will ever be yes.
Parents' meeting "The problem of fathers and children in modern society"
5
“THE PROBLEM OF FATHERS AND CHILDREN IN
MODERN SOCIETY”
SOCIAL TEACHER VMT
Kochieva F.Ya.
VLADIKAVKAZ
Good afternoon, dear parents! Today we devote our conversation to the problem of all times and peoples...
The problem of fathers and children. This is a problem in the life of all states. The problem is one of the oldest on earth. After all, Socrates, who lived in the 5th century BC, spoke about this problem: “Today’s youth are accustomed to luxury. She has bad manners, despises authority, and does not respect elders. Children argue with their parents, greedily swallow food and harass teachers.” Isn’t it true, as if Socrates was expounding the thoughts of our contemporaries?
Many great people have spoken about the generational conflict. Turgenev dedicated his work “Fathers and Sons” to this problem. More than 100 years have passed, and the problem still exists.
The conflict of generations is the confrontation between old and new, a real fact that each of us faces in everyday life. This problem becomes more acute as our children grow older. The situation is complicated by the fact that there is no continuity of generations based on traditions. We are children of another time, and it is stupid to deny this fact.
Today we will try to find the answer to the questions: Will we resolve the conflict between fathers and children? Why do conflicts arise? Who is to blame for the fact that we often fall into the traps of family communication?
In order to successfully resolve emerging contradictions between generations, find a common language with a child and thus influence the dynamics of his development, it is important to know some rules of behavior and communication.
First of all, parents should remember the age-related psychophysiological characteristics of early adolescence (15-17 years old).
This age is a crucial transition period in the life of any person. It is no coincidence that this age is called a crisis age; it is associated with growth difficulties and requires a particularly careful approach on the part of parents and teachers. A distinctive feature of this stage of development can be expressed in the words: “No longer a child, but not yet an adult.”
Personal changes are manifested in behavioral reactions and judgments. This is nihilism, maximalism, egocentrism. Meanwhile, the desire to be different from everyone else is the satisfaction of the need to establish oneself, to declare oneself as an individual, to attract attention.
These manifestations are due to both physiological and psychological characteristics in development.
During this transition period, the nervous system still has some weakness, which is why a young person can relatively quickly move from a state of excitement to inhibition, hence the sudden mood swings
At this time, the functioning of the endocrine glands in the body increases: thyroid, reproductive, pituitary gland. It is this fact that influences hypersexuality and increased interest in the opposite sex.
As you know, the pituitary gland influences bone growth. Therefore, adolescents have angular, clumsy movements, which can cause an inferiority complex, since for some the maturation processes are faster, while for others it is slower.
Another problem is related to physiology - the growth of bone tissue exceeds the growth of muscle mass, so during this period parents need to especially carefully monitor the correct and rational nutrition of their children.
Increased fatigue, due to underdevelopment of the cardiovascular and nervous systems, can be expressed in negative behavioral reactions; from aggressiveness to complete apathy to what is happening around. As you can see, our children at the age of 15-17 are going through a very difficult period in their lives and therefore, more than ever, they need the attention and understanding of adults, and above all their parents.
There is a misconception that teenagers, due to their own maturation, avoid communication with adults. On the contrary, the need of young men and women to grow up, as well as their desire to hide their weak sides of personality in front of others, is expressed in the urgent need for confidential communication with close adults and parents.
The main point of any communication between teenagers and adults is to find understanding, sympathy, and help in what worries them at the moment.
Due to age distance, parents face some problems, and children face others. Naturally, their needs also differ. So why are we surprised that our children do not grow up the way we would like?
One of the reasons is that we do not understand ourselves while trying to understand our child. Let's try to find out what positions we take most often in communicating with a child.
The first and most common position is the position of the victim.
. A person in this position is trying to evoke compassion, pity, sympathy. The favorite phrases of such a person are: “What should I do, he doesn’t listen to me at all? I can't do anything about him."
Next position is prosecutor
. A person in the position of a prosecutor always talks down to him. He teaches, commands, condemns, but never understands. Phrases: “You are always like this! I know what's best for you! You yourself are to blame for everything!” - the most characteristic expressions of the prosecutor.
And finally, the third position is an extra
. A person in the position of an extra comments on events and actions. The peculiarity is that all phrases begin the same way “if…”. And then there are thoughts about third parties. Long ornate phrases, references to sayings of great people, folk wisdom, proverbs, sayings. In contrast to the fiery indictment of the prosecutor, the tone of the extra's conversation is cold.
The above listed positions in communication with a teenager are destructive in nature. They can cause such negative feelings in a child that we, adults, are not even aware of.
Only those parents who understand, accept and recognize the teenager can achieve mutual understanding with a teenager.
Understanding
– this is the ability to see your child “from the inside.” Look at the world from two points of view simultaneously - your own and the teenager's.
Acceptance
means an unconditional, positive attitude towards a teenager, regardless of whether he met our expectations in some way or not.
Confession
the uniqueness of a teenager - recognition of his right to vote and choice in certain situations.
During adolescence, our children especially need trusting relationships from adults. Therefore, to achieve mutual understanding in the family, parents need to learn to listen and hear.
The ability to listen is a skill necessary for every person and parents in particular. Parents often misunderstand this term. After all, maintaining silence with difficulty and waiting for your turn to speak in response to your interlocutor’s speech does not at all mean the ability to listen. Moreover, if your interlocutor is a teenager who defends his point of view, perceives many things with hostility and is ready to be offended and withdrawn at any moment.
How and when should you actively listen?
This should be done in all situations when a teenager is upset, has failed, is in pain or is ashamed, that is, when he has emotional problems.
As an illustrative example, consider the following common situation. The son comes home after school, throws his briefcase and shouts: “I won’t go to this stupid school anymore!”
How to react correctly? What to tell a teenager? How to remain calm, especially if at this moment you yourself are tired, irritated, absorbed in your problems? The ones that most often come to mind are the usual, automatic responses, from which you can compile an impressive list of parenting mistakes.
These are orders, commands, threats (“What, then, I won’t go?! Do you want to remain ignorant? Become a janitor? If you don’t study, you won’t get a penny from me!”), or morals and moral teachings, to which children develop the so-called “psychological deafness”, when they stop hearing you at all, criticism and reprimands (“Everyone’s children are like children, but mine... And who are you like? What have you done there again?”), ridicule and accusations (“You It's your own fault! Don't argue with the teacher! You're a poor student!").
And this is not a complete list of incorrect reactions of parents to the behavior of a teenager.
Perhaps parents do this with the best intentions, wanting to explain, teach, appeal to conscience, point out mistakes and shortcomings... But in fact, they are throwing out their negative emotions. And of course, such parental behavior does not contribute to establishing better contact and resolving the problem. Rather, irritation and resentment on both sides increases even more, and can develop into conflict.
How to avoid conflict using active listening techniques.
Let's look at it using the same example.
Son
, throwing the briefcase, angrily, “I won’t go to school anymore.”
The parent
, after a pause, turning to face the child and looking him straight in the eyes, states, “You don’t want to go to school anymore.”
Son
irritably “The math girl is picking on me!”
The parent
, pausing, as if empathizing with the child, speaks in the affirmative: “Something upset you in math class.”
Son
already with resentment he says, “I did this test myself, and she says that I copied it from someone again.”
Parent
“I understand you, this is really offensive”
Son
“She’s always nagging me...”
Parent
. “I think I would be upset too...”
Son
“At least you understand me... Okay, it happened that I cheated... But I will prove to her and everyone else that I can solve problems on my own!”
As you understand, this is just one of the options for talking with your child in a difficult situation for him. But whatever the situation, the goal of parents is an uncritical assessment of what is happening.
Having made sure that the adult is ready to listen, the teenager usually begins to talk more and more about himself and most often moves forward in solving his problem. And on the other hand, we show by example how important it is to be able to listen and hear your interlocutor.
However, it is important to remember that active listening is not a way to get something from a teenager, but simply a way to establish better contact, a way to show a teenager that we understand him and love him for who he is.
Undoubtedly, the feelings and experiences of a teenager deserve attention from parents. But what to do in cases where a parent needs understanding? And how to communicate with a teenager in cases where his behavior deviates from the norms and rules accepted in the family. There are different ways to communicate to a teenager about the feelings experienced by their parents. Unfortunately, we often do this ineffectively. Anger, irritation or resentment, even fair bad advisers. Giving in to our emotions, we can raise our voices, demand immediate obedience, threaten punishment, etc. We do this with the good intention of changing the teenager’s unwanted behavior for the better, but to no avail. The teenager reacts aggressively or does not react at all. However, even after being convinced of the ineffectiveness of this approach, many parents continue to act in the same way, seeing no other way out. And this is a dead end situation.
- “How many times should I repeat: clean up the mess in your room immediately!”
- “You skip class, and I have to blush for you.”
- “You never come home on time! Next time you’ll spend the night under the door!”
The mistake of these and similar statements is that they all negatively evaluate not only the behavior, but also the personality of the teenager itself, which, of course, cannot be done. Due to the predominance of the pronouns “you”, “thee”, “you”, these statements are called “You-statements”
Meanwhile, psychologists recommend using more effective “I - statements” to express your feelings. Here's how you can change the example statements above:
1.”I feel embarrassed when guests see your untidy room. It’s so cozy when it’s put away.”
2.”Today the class teacher called about your attendance. I felt very ashamed during the conversation, and I would like to avoid these experiences. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, and if you need help, we can talk about it."
3.”When someone in the family comes later than we agreed, I worry so much that I can’t find a place for myself. I would like to see you at home by ten o'clock in the evening, and in special cases we can make separate arrangements. Then I will feel calm."
Despite the apparent simplicity of such statements, their use is not easy for most parents. It’s unusual to talk about your feelings in this form; it’s difficult to resist exercising parental authority.
Nevertheless, this method is effective because it is based on trust and respect and can serve as a transition to dialogue and finding a solution to the problem.
We can talk about the problems of fathers and children for a very long time, but let me end my speech today with a statement from Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy, who said: “Happy is he who is happy at home.” And I want to wish you so much patience, wisdom and pedagogical tact so that your children run not from home, but home.
Three generations came together
Of course, when they talk about fathers and children, they literally represent parents and those same notorious difficult teenagers. But the essence of the problem of generations is that each of them is different from the other - grown children are even more unable to get along with their mothers and fathers and must begin adult life. Yes, and grandparents always have their own way of life, no matter how hospitable they may be. This is psychology embedded in the subconscious. Divorces often occur because the newlyweds did not have their own apartment, and therefore they decided to live with their parents.
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Variety of reasons
The relevance of the problem does not go away, but the reasons why it arises change, and following them it is necessary to improve the methods. But the main key to solving misunderstandings is always the same - respect each other, accept each other as we are, and be able to put ourselves in a different place. This must be remembered both by the younger generation, rebellious, violent, impetuous, and by the older, accomplished, reasonable, firm in their decisions. After all, everyone was once a child, and everyone will someday become an adult.
