TOP 10 reasons why the conflict between fathers and children is eternal

What is the conflict between fathers and children, and where do its roots “grow”?

In psychology, there are two very similar concepts - generational conflict and conflict between fathers and children. Many of these terms are identified, although there is still a difference between them.

When we talk about generational conflict, we mean misunderstanding between people born in different eras (generations). The main reason for the conflict arising on this basis is a very large temporary “gap”, which greatly prevents people from different generations from understanding each other.

When it comes to the conflict between fathers and children, the difference in the time gap narrows somewhat, since the relationship between only two generations is assumed - fathers and their children. More precisely, not only fathers, but simply parents.

This raises the question: if the difference between generations is not too great - only 20-30 years, then where does the conflict arise from?

Despite the relatively small age difference, conflict between fathers and children is a common phenomenon that begins to manifest itself as soon as the child makes attempts to assert himself.

With the first child’s “I can do it myself,” a certain misunderstanding appears when parents try to be overprotective, and the child strives to independently solve the first problems, for example, putting on a jacket and hat.

And everything would be fine if the conflict was limited to one misunderstanding. As a rule, the conflict between fathers of children manifests itself in other ways:

• Frequent quarrels and squabbles between parents and children.
• The child's desire to leave his father's house as soon as possible.
• The reluctance of both parties to listen and listen to each other.
• Mistrust on the part of closest relatives.

How to teach a child to obey?

According to statistics, conflict between fathers and children occurs in 85% of families.

It is also said in the myths of the ancient world, which describe the difficult relationships of the gods with their children.

It turns out that difficulties in communication between parents and children are indeed a long-standing phenomenon. So what's stopping you from eradicating it?

All ages are submissive. If you skillfully resolve the generational conflict

Elena Gorelova

When the Sukhoi Design Bureau began to promote young specialists to leadership positions and assign them “youth” salary increases, unrest began among the old employees. To smooth out the conflict, the company tried to satisfy the interests of each age group. The efforts were not in vain - the contradictions practically disappeared, and staff turnover dropped to 6% per year (11% among newcomers). Conflicts between young and experienced employees, especially if the former are ambitious and the latter consider themselves gurus in the profession, can be quite acute. This problem is most often encountered in production and in knowledge-intensive industries, where unique specialists work and the process of replacing the old team is delayed.

What a conflict of generations is is well known at the factories owned by the European Bearing Corporation (EPC), Volzhsky (VPZ), Stepnogorsk (SPZ) and Moscow Bearing. The average age of the staff is about 50 years (as in the industry as a whole), so young specialists often have to take the heat in confrontation with employees who have worked here for 20 - 30 years. It happens that top managers of a management company have to intervene in resolving a generational conflict.

When a young woman was appointed to the position of deputy head of the technological department of one of the plants, who was lured from a competing production, says EPK press secretary Dmitry Zharnikov, it was assumed that in a year and a half she would replace her boss, who was supposed to retire. But this highly experienced and authoritative employee almost violated all the plans of the management: just before leaving for a well-deserved retirement, he appointed a colleague of pre-retirement age, with whom he had worked together for many years, in his place. If the general director, who personally oversees the adaptation programs for young specialists, had not intervened, they would have lost a valuable employee, Zharnikov clarifies. According to him, she showed herself to be a talented manager and technically advanced specialist and now heads the department.

The Sukhoi Design Bureau employs 18% of young specialists, the rest are middle-aged and retired employees, said Sergei Ryakovsky, deputy general director for personnel policy of the company. According to him, among the designers there are many 60-70 year olds, and one of them is 89 years old. When a few years ago young professionals were just starting to join the older team, the generational conflict was quite acute. More efficient and dynamic young people broke all the patterns that had not changed here for decades. Different technical approaches, even the ability to do work in a short time and go home earlier - all this irritated the old guard, says Ryakovsky.

Reducing the generational conflict to nothing, according to consultants, is a practically impossible task, especially since we are talking about a conflict between the old Soviet worldview and new market approaches. But you can reduce its intensity. “And it makes sense to take on this only if the staff is quite unique and there is something to fight for,” warns director of the consulting company Human Factors Kirill Nikiforuk. According to him, organizational measures such as introducing clear regulations and dividing areas of responsibility are not enough. It is necessary to use motivating programs that take into account the interests of both newcomers and the old guard. The Sukhoi Design Bureau analyzed and tried to satisfy the interests of all age groups: the young were given levers of power, and the “old people” were given recognition of their experience, including material ones. “Mentors who train newcomers receive a 10% salary increase,” says Ryakovsky.

To smooth out the conflict between fathers and children, the Sukhoi Design Bureau specifically began to form pairs of managers of different ages: young specialists are appointed as deputies to experienced department heads. Working in such a connection not only helps to solve the problem of inter-age conflicts, it is functionally justified. The manager is primarily occupied with turnover, and the young deputy provides technical and strategic support. “Our planes are now bought only with a computer mockup,” Ryakovsky clarifies, “and many old specialists do not know how to work with a computer.”

If people are truly passionate about their work, conflicts can be resolved through that passion. In order for specialists from different regions and generations to find a common language, EPK holds technical councils, which regularly gather about 100 technical personnel from all three bearing factories. There, for example, there are chief engineers who practice different approaches to work, so that young people can learn from the experience of older ones, and vice versa.

Fast-growing companies have much more opportunities to avoid pitting the younger and older generations against each other, says tobacco company HR manager Marina Rukavishnikova. According to her, new specialists come here for new tasks and are asked to manage areas created from scratch. In addition, there is a so-called graduate program, when young people work as interns for two years and a mentor is assigned to each of them, Rukavishnikova said. As a result, the average age of specialists working at the Java factory has recently decreased from 48 to 40 years.

In the young confectionery, which includes the Ulyanovsk Volzhanka factory, the Zarya factory in Kazan and the Yekaterinburg JSC, they prefer to prevent conflict. For example, in order to retain an old employee after a new one arrives, he is sometimes moved horizontally to another position. Recently, every top manager has been required to decide from the first day who will replace him, says Irina Galunina, SladCo’s HR director. According to her, this rule will soon extend to middle managers up to unique technologists and confectioners.

However, SladCo considers radical measures to be the most effective. In January of this year, major reductions were made at production in Yekaterinburg: the general director, shop managers and other managers were fired. If the old management slows down the implementation of changes, you have to part with it, adds Galunina.

However, some companies still manage to break the stereotypes of the older generation. EPK technical staff regularly visit bearing factories in Eastern Europe (they were built by Soviet specialists, but they have been under the control of Western corporations for more than five years) and can see firsthand what an efficiently operating production looks like, says Dmitry Zharnikov. According to him, such trips, better than any training, motivate old specialists to change. And this smoothes out the inevitable conflict between old and new.

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The main reason why the conflict between fathers and children is eternal

Many centuries have passed since the appearance of man on the planet. During this time, humanity has greatly contributed to the development of science and technology, which has led us to stunning progress.

But why then do people's relationships remain the same? Why can't parents and children find a common language?

Progress is largely to blame here. And here's why: every born person comes into this world at a certain period, when the development of science reaches a certain point. Each subsequent person, that is, the child of a previously born citizen, is also born in his “own” period, when science and technology developed even more.

All this contributes to the fact that the difference between the years of birth of children and their parents greatly influences how the child will be raised and develop.

Take us, for example. We saw our first mobile phones while in school. What about our children? After all, they were just born, and a telephone and free WI-FI are ordinary things for them, and they cannot imagine that it was different. Actually, just like we can’t imagine how people lived before without telephones, televisions, and especially without the Internet.

All this leads to the fact that from birth we have different values ​​and standards of living. What our parents greatly valued is already commonplace for us.

And here the first misunderstanding arises: parents believe that children do not value what they have, and children strive for more, because everything they already have is not so interesting.

Helpline for teenagers: list by city of the Russian Federation

As a result, by the age of 25, each person has formed his own package of moral and material values, and it cannot be at all similar to the one that the previous generation had - their parents.

Hence the conflict - parents live a little in the past, and children live in the future. Nothing special, just the laws of nature.

Please note: in fact, the conflict between fathers and children is a consequence of human evolution. But, on the other hand, if there were no conflict, then man would not develop. And since it exists, it means that people have been moving forward all the time - towards progress.

This is the main reason that fathers and children do not understand each other, or rather, they often simply do not want to understand.

But this reason is not the only one.

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Why parents and children conflict in our time: a characteristic reason for modern times

We live in a wonderful time when we have the opportunity to keep abreast of all events, always be “in touch” and live for our own pleasure - there is democracy all around.
But all this did not solve the problem of fathers and children. Why?

Because these days, parents are increasingly devoting themselves to work to please their children: to buy them a new fashionable phone or beautiful clothes. Children often understand them, but this does not change the truth - they are very often deprived of parental attention.

If previously children attended multiple clubs, communicated, and played in the yard, now most of them are busy spending time on social networks.

They live in the virtual world, without communicating with their parents, without being involved in their lives and their past childhood. Communication is severely lost, and another conflict arises.

In this situation, I can understand both parents and children. The former strive for the best for children, the latter - for their own development. But here it is important to find a middle ground - no material benefits can replace a child’s parental warmth, love and spiritual connection.

Each generation considers itself smarter than the previous one and wiser than the next. George Orwell

Generational conflict is the process of the emergence, manifestation, collision and resolution of contradictions both between representatives of the same generation (intragenerational conflict) and between representatives of different generations (intergenerational conflict). Conflict interactions within and between generations act as a factor in the destruction or strengthening of social ties [1]. One of the main reasons for the conflict is that over time, a reassessment of values ​​occurs in society.

Sooner or later, the time comes to reassess both material and spiritual values. This necessity is determined by the fact that between the onset of progress, which requires new or updated values, and the existing traditional, to one degree or another, obsolete values ​​and norms that constitute them, crisis moments arise, which include many problematic situations [ 2].

For example, 20–25 years ago, the majority of people sought to build a family as soon as possible, create a family home, work for the good of the country, and not satisfy personal needs. Now we can observe a completely different situation: for people, the first place is getting a higher education and financial well-being or, as many say, “forming the ground” for starting a family.

Such changes are associated with many factors, including innovations in politics, art, culture, the education system, etc. Nowadays, as throughout the life of mankind, the problem of relationships and mutual understanding between teenagers and the older generation is very relevant. Let's start with the fact that we are all different, everyone has their own views on life, dreams, habits. It often happens that the greater the age difference between people, the greater the disparity in opinions.

Parents always strive to impose on their child a certain line of behavior that is most consistent with their principles and ideals, but such a policy does not always lead to the desired result. Children cannot indulge their parents in everything, since each person is individual and has the right to his own point of view [3].

We should also not forget that the past generation, which experienced all the hardships of war, is less demanding of living conditions. If the main thing for these people is to have a roof over their heads and bread on the table, then at this time the needs of people have increased significantly and continue to increase. This is one of the main reasons for misunderstanding.

We often look with bewilderment at how people of “that time” resist change and look at life conservatively. The problem of understanding people of the “old school” is also that they often forget that they themselves were once young and, like modern and any other youth, committed rash actions, which now, from the height of their age and life experience, they look with regret and even indignation.

Therefore, old people can, based on their experience, protect young people from such actions so that they can avoid bad consequences, encourage and direct their energy and initiative, support their noble endeavors, approve of their aspirations and be proud of their successes. It often happens that not only the younger generation has conflicts with older people, but also older people. To explain the possible cause of the confrontation, we can look to the economic situation of the 1970s and 1980s. There was a crisis in the country, and therefore, in order to feed the family and meet the needs of children, they had to devote most of their time to work rather than raising them. The lack of attention is “printed” in the memory of children; many still carry this resentment within themselves and this prevents them from having good relationships with their parents throughout their lives.

A similar problem occurs today. The modern child's needs increase significantly every day. In pursuit of satisfying their “imaginary” needs, parents forget themselves and repeat the mistakes of their parents, but children need attention and care more than new expensive toys and gadgets.

In our opinion, the modern education system also has a certain influence on young people. Since the times of the USSR, it has undergone many changes and transformations. During the Soviet era, in addition to education, schools dealt with upbringing, but in Russian schools there is no due attention to this issue.

In schools during the USSR, textbooks were written in a language accessible to students, but in Russia, we believe, not all textbooks and curricula are understandable for schoolchildren. Also in Russia, changes are made annually to the requirements for the results of mastering the school curriculum: for example, if previously the main goal of students was to acquire new knowledge, today children are already prepared for the Unified State Exam from the primary grades. Teaching children and youth using modern programs involves the use of various Internet resources. Despite the fact that the government is fighting unsafe information on the Internet, anyone can encounter sites that are dangerous for children.

An example of this is the well-known game “Blue Whale”. An invisible killer who, under the guise of a game, quietly penetrates the child’s mind, forcing him to escape reality and commit terrible acts, which leads to irreversible consequences. There are a lot of such examples, and in order to protect the life of their child, parents and teachers should pay more attention to children, their behavior and actions. Based on the foregoing, we can conclude that the emergence of serious conflict situations can be prevented or, at least, dealt with and their consequences. In order to avoid this conflict, parents should listen to their children, sometimes be more loyal, and sometimes, on the contrary, be strict with the child. Adequately perceive that children will not always follow the orders of their parents, as they grow and acquire their own views on life. Children, in turn, should be more restrained in expressing protest, because parents always want only the best for us.

Understand that parents will not always “keep up with the times”, they did not have what we have now, and it can be difficult for them to adapt. If a conflict has already arisen, you can always find a way out of it. Both sides need to find the strength to ask for forgiveness, sit down at the negotiating table and try to find a compromise that can satisfy both parties. We should not forget that generational conflict has unfavorable consequences. Misunderstandings between parents and children negatively affect relationships in the family and each of its members in particular.

A change in a person’s emotional state leads not only to a deterioration in his mood, but also to the occurrence of stress, which, in turn, can develop into deeper forms, resulting in disruptions in people’s health. In cases where the conflict cannot be resolved for a long time or at least smoothed out due to the reluctance of the warring parties to make concessions towards each other, there is an increase in social tension, which can result in a new more serious and large-scale conflict than the existing one. The good thing is that if tensions are rising openly, then there is a possibility, however small, that it can be resolved peacefully, perhaps even with both sides being satisfied with the results.

If the increase in tension occurs in a hidden form, that is, representatives of different generations keep their discontent inside, then such a conflict is quite difficult to cope with, because it acquires the properties of a “time bomb” that can explode at any moment, and the consequences “ explosion" will be negative not only for the participants in this conflict, but also for society as a whole. If the conflict ends favorably, if all its participants managed to find a compromise solution and they were satisfied with the results, then each participant may reassess their value system.

Having comprehended everything that happened, they begin to adequately look at the ideas that the opposing side put forward, find pros in its proposals and cons in their beliefs, as a result of which there is a reassessment of their normative and value systems, into which sometimes some - or adjustments, and sometimes they (the systems) can change dramatically. Conflict resolution not only leads to a change in the opinions and views of the conflict participants about its cause or themselves, but also allows you to solve a number of problems.

Firstly, the end of the conflict already presupposes the solution of the problem that lay at the heart of this conflict. Secondly, during the conflict, opponents (representatives of different generations), without noticing it themselves, in addition to the main problem that caused the conflict, solve a number of smaller problems. To summarize the above, it should be noted that the conflict of generations manifests itself in different aspects of people’s lives, that is, it determines the position of generations in society, reflects the different living conditions of different generations, shows the relationship between generations in the process of communication, everyday life, etc.

It is based on many different reasons (including the influence of processes occurring in society), and, consequently, consequences, which are most clearly manifested after its settlement [2]. The problem of generations was, is and will be. Each society, each era develops a certain type of intergenerational relationship and certain mechanisms for the transmission of culture over time. Modern dynamic society poses problems, goals, and development paths for each new generation. And the experience of previous generations cannot fully correspond to the tasks of the future. The image of each generation is formed. Therefore, there is an inevitable problem associated with the attitude of each generation to the past, present and future [9].

Bibliography:

1. Afanasyeva A.N. Historical process and change of generations // Continuity of generations as a sociological problem. M. 1973.

2. Vdovina M.V. Intergenerational conflict in the modern Russian family // Sociological Research. 2005. No. 1.

3. Molevich E.F. On the analysis of the essence and form of social old age // Sociological studies. 2001. No. 4.

4. Spasibenko S.G. Generations as subjects of public life // Socio-political journal. 1995. No. 4.

5. Saralieva Z.N., Balabanova S.S. An elderly person in central Russia // Sociological Research. 1999. No. 12.

6. Shapiro V.D. Social activity of older people in the USSR. M.: 1983.

7. Gushchina Z.A. Conflict of generations // Encyclopedia of a home psychologist. M.: Research Institute of Psychology of the Ministry of Health of the Russian Federation, 2007. 200 p.

8. Antsupov, A.Ya., Shipilov, A.I. Conflictology: a textbook for universities. M.: UNITY, 1999.

9. Afanasyeva A.N. Historical process and change of generations // Continuity of generations as a sociological problem. M., 1973.

10. Vdovina M.V. Intergenerational conflict in the modern Russian family // Sociological studies. 2005. No. 1.

11. Ilyin V.A. Conflict of generations: destructive confrontation or driving force of social development? // Responsible fatherhood: current problems and ways to solve them: collection of articles. scientific articles / ed. E.A. Petrova. M., 2015. pp. 103–107.

Gradovtseva S.A., Rogozhneva M.D.

Advice from psychologists: how to overcome the eternal conflict?

The desire to eradicate the generational conflict is great among everyone: both parents and children. But what should you do to make the situation improve?

You will find the answers in the advice psychologists give to both children and their parents.

What experts advise children:

• Don’t be angry with your parents - their guardianship is not at all a desire to limit your freedom, it’s just a desire to protect you and protect you from negativity in life.
• Don't run away from conflict or omissions - always be honest and open with your parents. These are the only people who don't wish you harm.
• Be patient - even if parents do not understand much about modern aspects of life, explain to them everything they need. This will calm them down, and they will “lecture” you less.

Psychologists from all over the world also have a couple of practical recommendations for parents:

• Don’t try to protect your child from all troubles; it is important to learn many life lessons yourself. No matter how great the desire to take care of a child forever, he needs to be given a little more freedom - after all, he is also a person, he has the right to gain life experience on his own.
• Don't demand more from your children - if a child doesn't want to be a fifth-generation surgeon, don't force him, let him be an influencer.
• Don’t live in the past - I agree that our childhood was more fun than now, but what can we do - we need to adapt to modern conditions and not live in the past.

If we summarize all these recommendations into one, we get universal advice: learn to listen to your children and parents, do not “bend” your line and do not insist on what is obviously wrong. Listen to each other and hear - this is the most important thing.

Then the situation before and after will delight you.

How to restore the relationship between fathers and children: step-by-step instructions

Often we decide to correct the situation only when things have reached a dead end. But nothing, and there is a way out of this situation.

Love for parents: in the understanding of children and parents + examples

As you can see, finding a compromise is not so difficult if you put a minimum of effort into it.

Why does conflict between fathers and children arise? Tips for parents: