Weird - Shukshin Vasily Makarovich
Vasily Shukshin
weirdo
His wife called him “Weirdo.” Sometimes affectionately.
The weirdo had one peculiarity: something always happened to him. He didn’t want this, he suffered, but every now and then he got involved in some kind of story - minor, however, but annoying.
Here are episodes from one of his trips.
I got a leave of absence and decided to go see my brother in the Urals: we haven’t seen each other for twelve years.
– Where is this spinner... the subspecies of bityur?! - the Freak yelled from the pantry.
- How should I know.
- Yes, they were all lying here! “The weirdo tried to look sternly with his round blue-white eyes. “Everything is here, but this one, you see, is not there.”
- Does it look like bityurya?
- Well. Pike.
“I apparently fried it by mistake.” The weirdo was silent for a while.
- So how is it?
- What?
- Delicious! Ha-ha-ha!... - He didn’t know how to make jokes at all, but he really wanted to. - Are your teeth intact? She's duralumin!..
...It took a long time to get ready - until midnight. And early in the morning Chudik was walking around the village with a suitcase.
- To the Urals! To the Urals! - he answered the question: where was he going? At the same time, his round, fleshy face and round eyes expressed an extremely careless attitude towards long roads - they did not frighten him. - To the Urals! We need to sneak around.
But the Urals were still far away.
So far, he had safely reached the regional city, where he had to buy a ticket and board the train.
There was a lot of time left. The weirdo decided to buy some gifts for his nephews - sweets, gingerbread... He went to the grocery store and joined the line. In front of him stood a man in a hat, and in front of the hat was a plump woman with painted lips. The woman spoke quietly, quickly, passionately to the hat:
– Can you imagine how rude and tactless a person must be! He has sclerosis, well, he has had sclerosis for seven years, but no one suggested that he retire. And this one has been leading the team for a week without a year - and already: “Perhaps, Alexander Semenych, it’s better for you to retire?” Nah-hal!
The hat agreed:
- Yes, yes... They are like that now. Just think! Sclerosis. And Sumbatich?.. I also haven’t kept up the text lately. And this one, what’s her name?..
The weirdo respected city people. Not everyone, though: he didn’t respect hooligans and salesmen. I was afraid.
It was his turn. He bought sweets, gingerbread, three bars of chocolate. And he stepped aside to put everything in his suitcase. He opened the suitcase on the floor and began to pack it away... I looked at the floor, and at the counter, where the line was, there was a fifty-ruble note lying at people’s feet. A sort of green fool, she lies there, no one sees her. The weirdo even trembled with joy, his eyes lit up. In a hurry, so that no one would get ahead of him, he began to quickly think about how to say something funnier, more witty, in line, about the piece of paper.
- Live well, citizens! - he said loudly and cheerfully.
They looked back at him.
– Here, for example, they don’t throw such pieces of paper around.
Everyone got a little worried here. This is not a three, not a five - fifty rubles, you have to work for half a month. But the owner of the piece of paper is not there.
“Probably the one in the hat,” the Weird guessed.
We decided to put the piece of paper in a visible place on the counter.
“Someone will come running now,” said the saleswoman.
The weirdo left the store in the most pleasant mood. I kept thinking how easy it was for him, how fun it was: “For example, here we don’t throw such pieces of paper!” Suddenly he was suddenly overcome with heat: he remembered that he had just exchanged just such a piece of paper and another twenty-five ruble note, the fifty ruble one should be in his pocket... He reached into his pocket - no. Back and forth - no.
- It was my piece of paper! - Weird said loudly. - That's your mother!.. My piece of paper.
My heart even began to ring with grief. The first impulse was to go and say: “Citizens, this is my piece of paper. I received two of them from the savings bank: one for twenty-five rubles, the other for half a ruble. I have now exchanged one, but the other is gone.” But just as he imagined how he would stun everyone with this statement, many would think: “Of course, since the owner was not found, he decided to pocket it.” No, don’t overpower yourself – don’t reach out for that damned piece of paper. They may not give it back yet...
- Why am I like this? - Chudik reasoned bitterly out loud. - So what's now?..
I had to return home.
I approached the store, wanted to look at the piece of paper at least from a distance, stood at the entrance... and did not enter. It will really hurt. The heart may not be able to bear it.
I rode on the bus and cursed quietly - gaining courage: there was an explanation to be had with my wife.
Another fifty rubles were taken from the book.
The weirdo, killed by his insignificance, which his wife again explained to him (she even hit him on the head with a slotted spoon a couple of times), was traveling on the train. But gradually the bitterness went away. Forests, copses, villages flashed outside the window... Different people came and went, different stories were told... The weirdo also told one to some intelligent friend when they were standing in the vestibule, smoking.
“We have a fool in our neighboring village too... He grabbed a firebrand and went after his mother.” Drunk. She runs from him and shouts: “Hands,” he shouts, “don’t burn your hands, son!” She takes care of him... And he rushes off, a drunken mug. To the mother. Can you imagine how rude and tactless you have to be...
- Did you come up with it yourself? – the intelligent comrade asked sternly, looking at the Weird over his glasses.
- For what? – he didn’t understand. - Across the river, the village of Ramenskoye...
The intelligent comrade turned to the window and spoke no more.
After the train, Chudik still had to fly by local plane for an hour and a half. He once flew once. For a long time. I boarded the plane not without some timidity. “Is it really possible that not a single screw in it will go bad in an hour and a half?” - thought. Then - nothing, I became bolder. He even tried to talk to his neighbor, but he was reading the newspaper, and he was so interested in what was in the newspaper that he didn’t even want to listen to a living person. And Chudik wanted to find out this: he heard that they provide food on planes. But they didn’t carry something. He really wanted to eat on the plane - out of curiosity.
“Healed,” he decided.
I started looking down. Mountains of clouds below. For some reason the weirdo couldn’t definitely say: is it beautiful or not? And everyone around them said: “Oh, what beauty!” He just suddenly felt the stupidest desire: to fall into them, into the clouds, like into cotton wool. He also thought: “Why am I not surprised? After all, there are almost five kilometers below me.” I mentally measured these five kilometers on the ground, put them on my butt to be surprised, but I was not surprised.
“Here’s a man?.. He just came up with an idea,” he said to his neighbor. He looked at him, said nothing, and rustled the newspaper again.
- Fasten your seat belts! - said the pretty young woman. - We're going to land.
The weirdo obediently fastened his belt. And the neighbor - zero attention. The weirdo touched him carefully:
- They tell you to fasten your belt.
“Nothing,” said the neighbor. He put the newspaper aside, leaned back in his seat and said, as if remembering something: “Children are the flowers of life, they should be planted with their heads down.”
- Like this? - Chudik didn’t understand.
The reader laughed loudly and said no more.
They quickly began to decline. The earth is just a stone's throw away, rapidly flying back. But there is still no push. As knowledgeable people later explained, the pilot “missed.” Finally there was a push, and everyone began to be thrown around so much that they could hear chattering and grinding teeth. This reader with the newspaper jumped out of his seat, butted the Weird with his bald head, then kissed the porthole, then found himself on the floor. During all this time he did not make a single sound. And everyone around was also silent - this amazed the Chudik. He was also silent. Become. The first who came to their senses looked out the windows and discovered that the plane was in a potato field. A gloomy pilot emerged from the pilot's cabin and walked towards the exit. Someone asked him carefully:
- Do we seem to have landed in potatoes?
– Don’t you see it yourself? - said the pilot.
The fear subsided, and the most cheerful ones were already trying to make jokes.
The bald reader was looking for his artificial jaw. The weirdo unfastened his belt and also began to look.
- This?! – he exclaimed joyfully and handed it to the reader.
weirdo
His wife called him Weird. Sometimes affectionately. The weirdo had one peculiarity: something always happened to him. He didn’t want this, he suffered, but every now and then he got involved in some kind of story - minor, however, but annoying. Here are episodes from one of his trips. I got a leave of absence and decided to go see my brother in the Urals: we haven’t seen each other for twelve years. “Where is this spinner... like a bityurya?!” shouted the Freak from the pantry. - How should I know? “Yes, they were all lying here!” The weirdo tried to look sternly with his round blue-white eyes. “Everyone is here, but this one, you see, is not there.” - Does it look like a beater? - Well, pike. “I apparently fried it by mistake.” The weirdo was silent for a while. - So how is it? - What? - Is it tasty? Ha-ha-ha!.. - He didn’t know how to make jokes at all, but he really wanted to. - Are your teeth intact? It's made of duralumin!.. ...It took a long time to get ready - until midnight. And early in the morning Chudik was walking around the village with a suitcase. - To the Urals! To the Urals! - he answered the question: where is he going? He needs to get some air! - At the same time, his round, fleshy face and round eyes expressed an extremely careless attitude towards long roads - they did not frighten him. - To the Urals! But the Urals were still far away. So far, he had safely reached the regional city, where he had to buy a ticket and board the train. There was a lot of time left. The weirdo decided to buy some gifts for his nephews - sweets, gingerbread... He went to the grocery store and joined the queue. In front of him stood a man in a hat, and in front of the hat was a plump woman with painted lips. The woman quietly, quickly, and passionately said to the hat: “Imagine how rude, tactless a person you have to be!” He has sclerosis, well, he has had sclerosis for seven years, but no one suggested that he retire. And this one—he’s been leading the team for a week—and already: “Perhaps, Alexander Semenych, it’s better for you to retire?” Nah-hal! The hat agreed. - Yes, yes... They are like that now. Just think, sclerosis. And Sumbatich?.. I also haven’t kept up the text lately. And this one, what’s her name?.. The weirdo respected city people. Not everyone, though: he didn’t respect hooligans and salesmen. I was afraid. It was his turn. He bought sweets, gingerbread, three bars of chocolate. And he stepped aside to put everything in his suitcase. He opened the suitcase on the floor, began to pack it away... He looked at something on the floor, and at the counter, where the queue was, there was a fifty-ruble note lying at people’s feet. A sort of green fool, she lies there, no one sees her. The weirdo even trembled with joy, his eyes lit up. In a hurry, so that no one would get ahead of him, he began to quickly think about how to say something more fun and witty about the piece of paper while in line. “You live well, citizens!” he said loudly and cheerfully. They looked back at him. - For example, we don’t throw such pieces of paper around. Everyone got a little worried here. This is not a three, not a five - fifty rubles, you have to work for half a month. But the owner of the piece of paper is not there. “Probably the one in the hat,” the Chudik guessed. We decided to put the piece of paper in a visible place on the counter. “Someone will come running now,” said the saleswoman. The weirdo left the store in the most pleasant mood. I kept thinking how easy it was for him, how fun it was: “For example, we don’t throw such pieces of paper around!” Suddenly he was suddenly overcome with heat: he remembered that he had been given exactly such a piece of paper and another twenty-five ruble note in the savings bank at home. He just changed the twenty-five-ruble note, the fifty-ruble note should be in his pocket... He put it in his pocket - no. Back and forth - no. “It was my piece of paper!” said the Chudik loudly. “Fuck that’s it!.. It was my piece of paper.” My heart even began to ring with grief. The first impulse was to go and say: “Citizens, my piece of paper. I received two of them from the savings bank - one for twenty-five rubles, the other for half a ruble. I have now exchanged one, a twenty-five-ruble note, but the other is gone.” But as soon as he imagined how he would stun everyone with this statement of his, many would think, “Of course, since the owner was not found, he decided to pocket it.” No, don’t overpower yourself - don’t stretch out your hand for the damned piece of paper. They may not give it back yet. “Why am I like this?” Chudik reasoned bitterly out loud. “What should I do now?.. I had to return home.” I approached the store, wanted to look at the piece of paper at least from afar, stood at the entrance... And didn’t enter. It will really hurt. The heart may not be able to bear it. I was riding on the bus and cursing quietly - I was gaining the courage to have an explanation with my wife. They took another fifty rubles from the book. The weirdo, killed by his insignificance, which his wife again explained to him (she even hit him on the head with a slotted spoon a couple of times), was traveling on the train. But gradually the bitterness went away. Forests, copses, villages flashed outside the window... Different people came and went, different stories were told. The weirdo also told one thing to some intelligent friend when they were standing in the vestibule, smoking. “We have a fool in our neighboring village too... He grabbed a firebrand and went after his mother.” Drunk. She runs from him and screams. “Hands,” he shouts, “don’t burn your hands, son!” She takes care of him... And he rushes off, a drunken mug. To the mother. Can you imagine how rude and tactless you have to be... “Did you come up with it yourself?” the intelligent comrade asked sternly, looking at the Freak over his glasses. “Why?” he didn’t understand. “We’re across the river, the village of Ramenskoye...” The intelligent comrade turned to the window and didn’t speak anymore. After the train, Chudik still had to fly by local plane for an hour and a half. He once flew once. For a long time. I boarded the plane not without some timidity. “Is it really possible that not a single screw in it will go bad in an hour and a half!” I thought. Then - nothing, I became bolder. He even tried to talk to his neighbor, but he was reading the newspaper, and he was so interested in what was in the newspaper that he didn’t want to listen to a living person. And Chudik wanted to find out what he heard, that they give you food on planes. But they didn’t carry something. He really wanted to eat on the plane - out of curiosity. “Healed,” he decided. I started looking down. Mountains of clouds below. For some reason the weirdo couldn’t definitely say: is it beautiful or not? And people all around said, “Oh, what beauty!” He just suddenly felt the stupidest desire - to fall into them, into the clouds, like into cotton wool. He also thought. “Why am I not surprised? After all, there are almost five kilometers below me.” I mentally measured these five kilometers on the ground, put them “on the butt” - so as to be surprised, but I was not surprised. “What a man!.. I just came up with an idea,” he said to his neighbor. He looked at him, said nothing, and rustled the newspaper again. “Fasten your seat belts,” said the pretty young woman. “We’re going to board.” The weirdo obediently fastened his belt. And the neighbor - zero attention. The weirdo touched him carefully. - They tell you to fasten your belt. “Nothing,” said the neighbor. He put down the newspaper, leaned back in his seat and said, as if remembering something: “Children are the flowers of life, they should be planted with their heads down.” “How is this?” Chudik did not understand. The reader laughed loudly and said no more. They quickly began to decline. Now the earth is just a stone's throw away, rapidly flying back. But there is still no push. As knowledgeable people later explained, the pilot “missed.” Finally there was a push, and everyone began to be thrown around so much that they could hear chattering and grinding teeth. It was the reader with the newspaper who jumped out of his seat, butted the Weird with his bald head, then pressed himself against the porthole, then found himself on the floor. During all this time he did not make a single sound. And everyone around was also silent - this amazed the Chudik. He was also silent. Become. The first who came to their senses looked out the windows and discovered that the plane was in a potato field. A gloomy pilot emerged from the pilot's cabin and walked towards the exit. Someone asked him carefully. - It seems like we got into potatoes? “You can’t see for yourself,” answered the pilot. The fear subsided, and the most cheerful ones were already trying to make timid jokes. The bald reader was looking for his artificial jaw. The weirdo unfastened his belt and also began to look. “This one?!” He exclaimed joyfully, and served it. The reader’s bald spot even turned purple. “Why do you have to touch with your hands?” he shouted with a lisp. The weirdo was confused. - And with what?.. - Where am I going to boil it?! Where?! The Freak didn’t know this either. “Will you come with me?” he suggested. “My brother lives here.” Are you afraid that I brought germs there? I don’t have them... The reader looked at the Weird in surprise and stopped screaming. At the airport, Chudik wrote a telegram to his wife: “We have landed. A lilac branch fell on my chest, dear Pear, don’t forget me. Vasyatka." The telegraph operator, a strict, dry woman, having read the telegram, suggested: “Write it differently.” You are an adult, not in kindergarten. “Why?” asked Chudik. “I always write to her like this in letters.” This is my wife!.. You probably thought... - You can write whatever you want in letters, but a telegram is a type of communication. This is clear text. The weirdo rewrote it. “We landed. Everything is fine. Vasyatka." The telegraph operator herself corrected two words: “We landed” and “Vasyatka.” It became: “We arrived. Basil". - “We landed.” What are you, an astronaut, or what? “Well, okay,” said Chudik. “Let it be so.” ... Chudik knew that he had a brother Dmitry, three nephews... Somehow it was not thought about the fact that there should still be a daughter-in-law. He never saw her. And it was she, the daughter-in-law, who ruined everything, the whole vacation. For some reason, she immediately disliked the Weird. I had a drink in the evening with my brother, and the Freak sang in a trembling voice: Poplar-ah... Sofya Ivanovna, daughter-in-law, looked out from another room and asked angrily: “Can you stop yelling?” You’re not at the station, right?” And she slammed the door. Brother Dmitry felt awkward. - This is... the kids sleep there. Actually, she's good. We drank more. They began to remember their youth, mother, father. “Do you remember?” brother Dmitry asked joyfully. “Although, who do you remember there!” It was a chest one. They will leave me with you, and I kissed you. Once you even turned blue. I got hit for this. Then they didn’t leave anymore. And all the same, as soon as they turn away, I’m next to you - kissing you again. God knows what kind of habit it was. He himself still has snot up to his knees, and... this... with kisses... - Do you remember? listen to all your different snot and kisses? There we started talking. “Let’s go outside,” said Chudik. We went outside and sat on the porch. “Do you remember?” continued the Chudik. But then something happened to brother Dmitry: he began to cry and began pounding his knee with his fist. - Here it is, my life! Saw? How much anger there is in a person!.. How much anger! The weirdo began to calm his brother down. - Come on, don’t be upset. No need. They are not evil, they are crazy. I have the same. - Well, why didn’t you dislike it?! For what? After all, she didn’t like you... And why? It was only then that Chudik realized that, yes, his daughter-in-law did not like him. And for what really? - But because you are not responsible at all, not a leader. I know her, stupid. Obsessed with those in charge. And who is she? Barmaid in management, big shot out of nowhere. She looks at it there and starts... She hates me too - that I’m not responsible, from the village. — In what department? - In this... mountain... I can’t say it now. Why did you have to go out? She didn’t know, did she? Here the Freak struck a nerve. “What’s the matter, actually?” he asked loudly, not his brother, but someone else. “Yes, if you want to know, almost all the famous people came from the village.” As if in a black frame, you look like he comes from the village. You need to read the newspapers!.. Whatever the figure, you understand, he’s a native, he went to work early - And how much I proved to her that in the village people are better, not arrogant. - Do you remember Stepan Vorobyov? You knew him. - I knew how. - There’s already a village there!.. And - please: Hero of the Soviet Union. Nine tanks were destroyed. He went to ram. His mother will now be paid a pension of sixty rubles for life. And they found out only recently, they thought they were missing... - And Ilya Maksimov!.. We left together. Please - Knight of Glory of three degrees. But don’t tell her about Stepan... Don’t. - OK. And this one!.. The excited brothers continued to make noise for a long time. The weirdo even walked around the porch and waved his arms. - The village, you see!.. The air there alone is worth it! In the morning, if you open the window, tell me how it will wash you all over. At least drink it - it’s so fresh and fragrant, it smells of different herbs, different flowers... Then they got tired. “Did you block the roof?” asked the older brother quietly. - Blocked it. - The weirdo also sighed quietly - He built a veranda - it’s a pleasure to look at. You go out onto the veranda in the evening... you start to fantasize: if only your mother and father were alive, you and the kids would come - everyone would sit on the veranda, drinking tea and raspberries. There are a lot of raspberries today. You, Dmitry, don’t quarrel with her, otherwise she’ll dislike her worse. And somehow I’ll be more kind, and you’ll see, she’ll move away. - But she’s from the village! - Dmitry was somehow quietly and sadly amazed. But... She tortured the children, the fool tortured one at the piano, enrolled another in figure skating. My heart bleeds, but don’t say it, I’ll immediately swear. - Mmh!.. - the Weird got excited again. - I just don’t understand these newspapers, they say, there’s one of them who works in the store - she’s rude. Eh, you!.. and she will come home - the same. That's where the grief is! And I don’t understand!” The weirdo also hit his knee with his fist. “I don’t understand: why did they become angry?” When Chudik woke up in the morning, there was no one in the apartment; brother Dmitry went to work, daughter-in-law too, older children played in the yard, the little one was taken to the nursery. The weirdo tidied up the bed, washed his face and began to think about what he could do so nicely for his daughter-in-law. Then a baby stroller caught his eye. “Hey!” thought Chudik. “Let me paint her.” He painted the stove at home in such a way that everyone was amazed. He found some childish paints and a brush and got to work. An hour later it was all over; the stroller is unrecognizable. On the top of the stroller, Chudik put cranes - a flock of them in a corner, on the bottom - various flowers, ant grass, a couple of cockerels, chickens... He examined the stroller from all sides - a sight for sore eyes. Not a stroller, but a toy. Imagining how pleasantly surprised my daughter-in-law would be, he grinned. - And you say - a village. Oddball.- He wanted peace with his daughter-in-law. The baby will be like in a basket. All day long the Freak walked around the city, looking at shop windows. I bought a boat for my nephew, such a nice boat, white, with a light bulb. “I’ll paint it too,” I thought. At about 6 o'clock the weirdo came to his brother. I went up to the porch and heard that brother Dmitry was arguing with his wife. However, the wife was cursing, and brother Dmitry just repeated: “Come on, what’s going on here!.. Come on... Sonya... Okay... - So that this fool won’t be here tomorrow!” Sofya Ivanovna shouted. “Tomorrow let him leave!” - Come on!.. Sony... - It’s not okay! Not okay! If he doesn’t wait, I’ll throw his suitcase to hell and that’s it! The weirdo hurried to get off the porch... And then he didn’t know what to do. He felt pain again. When they hated him, it hurt him a lot. And scary. It seemed: well, that’s it now, why live? And I wanted to go somewhere away from people who hate him or laugh at him. “Why am I like this?” he whispered bitterly, sitting in the shed. You should have guessed: she won’t understand, she won’t understand folk art. He sat in the shed until dark. And my heart still ached. Then brother Dmitry came. He was not surprised - as if he knew that Brother Vasily had been sitting in the shed for a long time. “Here...” he said. “It’s... she’s made noise again.” A stroller... it wouldn't be necessary. “I thought she would like it.” I'll go, brother. Brother Dmitry sighed... And said nothing. Chudik arrived home when a fine, steamy rain was falling. The weirdo got off the bus, took off his new shoes, and ran along the warm wet ground - a suitcase in one hand, boots in the other. He jumped up and sang loudly: Poplar-a-a, poplar-a... At one end the sky had already cleared, turned blue, and the sun was close somewhere. And the rain thinned out, splashing in large drops into the puddles; Bubbles swelled and burst in them. In one place, Chudik slipped and almost fell. His name was Vasily Yegorych Knyazev. He was thirty-nine years old. He worked as a projectionist in the village. He loved detectives and dogs. As a child, I dreamed of being a spy.
