The story of how one man fed two generals
Once upon a time there were two generals, and since both were frivolous, they soon, at the behest of a pike, at my will, found themselves on a desert island.
Generals served all their lives in some kind of registry; they were born there, raised and grew old, and therefore did not understand anything. They didn’t even know any words except: “Accept the assurance of my complete respect and devotion.”
The registry was abolished as unnecessary and the generals were released. Left behind the staff, they settled in St. Petersburg, on Podyacheskaya Street in different apartments; Each had their own cook and received a pension. Only suddenly they found themselves on a desert island, woke up and saw: both were lying under the same blanket. Of course, at first they didn’t understand anything and began to talk as if nothing had happened to them.
“It’s strange, Your Excellency, I had a dream today,” said one general, “I see as if I was living on a desert island...”
He said this, but suddenly he jumped up! Another general also jumped up.
- God! Yes, what is this! Where are we! - both cried out in voices that were not their own.
And they began to feel each other, as if not in a dream, but in reality such an opportunity happened to them. However, no matter how hard they tried to convince themselves that all this was nothing more than a dream, they had to be convinced of the sad reality.
In front of them, on one side, lay the sea, on the other side lay a small piece of land, behind which lay the same boundless sea. The generals cried for the first time after they closed the registry.
They began to look at each other and saw that they were in nightgowns and had an order hanging around their necks.
- Now let’s have a good drink of coffee! - said one general, but he remembered what an unheard of thing happened to him, and he cried for the second time.
- What are we going to do, though? - he continued through tears, - if you write a report now, what good will come of it?
“That’s it,” answered the other general, “you, Your Excellency, go to the east, and I will go to the west, and in the evening we will meet again at this place; maybe we'll find something.
They began to look for where the east is and where the west is. We remembered how the boss once said: “If you want to find the east, then turn your eyes to the north, and in your right hand you will receive what you are looking for.” We started looking for the north, went this way and that, tried all the countries of the world, but since we had served in the registry all our lives, we found nothing.
- Here's what, Your Excellency: you go to the right, and I'll go to the left; it will be better this way! - said one general, who, in addition to being a receptionist, also served as a calligraphy teacher at the school of military cantonists and, therefore, was smarter.
No sooner said than done. One general went to the right and saw trees growing, and all sorts of fruits on the trees. The general wants to get at least one apple, but they all hang so high that you have to climb. I tried to climb, but nothing happened, I just tore my shirt. The general came to the stream and saw: the fish there, as if in a fishpond on the Fontanka, were teeming and teeming.
“If only there were some fish like that on Podyacheskaya!” - thought the general and even his face changed from appetite.
The general went into the forest - and there hazel grouse were whistling, black grouse were talking, hares were running.
- God! some food! some food! - said the general, feeling that he was already starting to feel sick.
There was nothing to do, I had to return to the appointed place empty-handed. He arrives, and the other general is already waiting.
- Well, Your Excellency, have you thought of anything?
- Yes, I found an old issue of Moskovskie Vedomosti, and nothing more!
The generals went to bed again, but they couldn’t sleep on an empty stomach. Either they are worried about who will receive their pension for them, or they remember the fruits they saw during the day, fish, hazel grouse, black grouse, hares.
- Who would have thought, Your Excellency, that human food, in its original form, flies, swims and grows on trees? - said one general.
“Yes,” answered the other general, “I must admit, and I still thought that the rolls would be born in the same form as they are served with coffee in the morning!”
- Therefore, if, for example, someone wants to eat a partridge, he must first catch it, kill it, pluck it, fry it... But how to do all this?
- How to do all this? - Like an echo, another general repeated.
They fell silent and began to try to sleep; but hunger decisively drove away sleep. Hazel grouse, turkeys, piglets flashed before our eyes, juicy, slightly browned, with cucumbers, pickles and other salad.
“Now I think I could eat my own boot!” - said one general.
- Gloves are also good when they are worn for a long time! - the other general sighed.
Suddenly both generals looked at each other: an ominous fire shone in their eyes, their teeth chattered, and a dull growl came out of their chests. They began to slowly crawl towards each other and in the blink of an eye they became frantic. Shreds flew, squeals and groans were heard; the general, who was a teacher of calligraphy, took a bite of the order from his comrade and immediately swallowed it. But the sight of flowing blood seemed to bring them to their senses.
- The power of the cross is with us! - they both said at once, “we’ll eat each other this way!” And how did we get here! who is the villain who played such a trick on us!
“Your Excellency, we need to have some fun with some conversation, otherwise we’ll have a murder here!” - said one general.
- Start! - answered the other general.
- For example, why do you think the sun rises first and then sets, and not vice versa?
- You are a strange person, Your Excellency: but you also get up first, go to the department, write there, and then go to bed?
- But why not allow such a rearrangement; first I go to bed, see various dreams, and then get up?
- Hm... yes... And I must admit, when I served in the department, I always thought like this: “Now it’s morning, and then it will be day, and then they’ll serve dinner - and it’s time to sleep!”
But the mention of dinner plunged both of them into despondency and stopped the conversation at the very beginning.
“I heard from one doctor that a person can feed on his own juices for a long time,” one general began again.
- How so?
- Yes, sir. It is as if their own juices produce other juices, these, in turn, still produce juices, and so on, until, finally, the juices stop altogether...
- Then what?
- Then you need to take some food...
- Ugh!
In a word, no matter what the generals started talking about, it always came down to the memory of food, and this irritated the appetite even more. They decided to stop talking, and, remembering the found issue of Moskovskie Vedomosti, eagerly began to read it.
“Yesterday,” one general read in an excited voice, “the venerable chief of our ancient capital had a ceremonial dinner. The table was set for a hundred people with amazing luxury. The gifts of all countries set themselves a kind of rendezvous at this magical holiday. There was “Sheksna golden sterlet” [from G.R. Derzhavin’s poem “Invitation to Dinner”], and a pet of the Caucasian forests - pheasant, and, so rare in our north in February, strawberries ... "
- Ugh, Lord! Is it really possible, Your Excellency, that you can’t find another item? - another general exclaimed in despair and, taking a newspaper from a comrade, read the following:
“They write from Tula: yesterday, on the occasion of the capture of a sturgeon in the Upa River (an incident that even old-timers will not remember, especially since the sturgeon was identified as a private bailiff B.), there was a festival at the local club. The hero of the occasion was brought in on a huge wooden platter, lined with cucumbers and holding a piece of greenery in his mouth. Doctor P., who was the foreman on duty that same day, carefully watched so that all the guests received a piece. The gravy was very varied and even almost whimsical..."
- Excuse me, Your Excellency, and you seem not to be too careful in your choice of reading! - interrupted the first general and, in turn, taking the newspaper, read:
“They write from Vyatka: one of the local old-timers invented the following original method of preparing fish soup: taking a live burbot, first carving it; when, out of grief, his liver will enlarge..."
The generals bowed their heads. Everything they looked at was evidence of food. Their own thoughts plotted against them, for no matter how hard they tried to drive away ideas about steaks, these ideas forced their way in in a violent manner.
And suddenly the general, who was a calligraphy teacher, was struck by inspiration...
“What, Your Excellency,” he said joyfully, “if we could find a man?”
- That is, how about... a man?
- Well, yes, a simple man... what men usually are! He would now serve us some buns, and catch hazel grouse, and fish!
- Hm... a man... but where can I get him, this man, when he’s not there?
- Just as there is no man, there is a man everywhere, you just have to look for him! He's probably hidden somewhere, shirking work!
This thought encouraged the generals so much that they jumped up as if disheveled and set off to look for the man.
They wandered around the island for a long time without any success, but finally the pungent smell of chaff bread and sour sheepskin led them to the trail. Under a tree, with his belly up and his fist under his head, a huge man was sleeping and was shirking work in the most impudent manner. There was no limit to the generals' indignation.
- Sleep, couch potato! - they attacked him, - probably you wouldn’t even realize that two generals here have been dying of hunger for two days! Now go to work!
The man stood up: he saw that the generals were strict. I wanted to give them a scolding, but they were frozen, clinging to him.
And he began to act in front of them.
First, he climbed the tree and picked the generals ten of the ripest apples, and took one sour one for himself. Then he dug into the ground and pulled out potatoes; then he took two pieces of wood, rubbed them together, and brought out fire. Then he made a snare from his own hair and caught the hazel grouse. Finally, he lit a fire and baked so many different provisions that the generals even thought: “Shouldn’t we give the parasite a piece?”
The generals looked at these peasant efforts, and their hearts played merrily. They had already forgotten that yesterday they almost died of hunger, and they thought: “That’s how good it is to be generals - you won’t get lost anywhere!”
—Are you satisfied, gentlemen generals? - the man-lounger asked meanwhile.
- We are satisfied, dear friend, we see your zeal! - answered the generals.
-Will you allow me to rest now?
- Rest, my friend, just make a rope first.
The man now collected wild hemp, soaked it in water, beat it, crushed it - and by evening the rope was ready. With this rope, the generals tied the man to a tree so that he would not run away, and they themselves went to bed.
A day passed, another passed; The man became so adept that he even began to cook soup in a handful. Our generals became cheerful, loose, well-fed, and white. They began to say that here they live on everything ready, but in St. Petersburg, meanwhile, their pensions keep accumulating and accumulating.
- What do you think, Your Excellency, was there really a Babylonian pandemonium or is it just that, just an allegory? - one general used to say to another after having breakfast.
- I think, Your Excellency, that it really happened, because otherwise how can one explain that there are different languages in the world!
- So there was a flood?
- And there was a flood, because, otherwise, how could the existence of antediluvian animals be explained? Moreover, the Moskovskie Vedomosti tells...
— Shouldn’t we read the Moskovskiye Vedomosti?
They will find a number, sit under the shade, read from board to board, how they ate in Moscow, ate in Tula, ate in Penza, ate in Ryazan - and nothing, they don’t feel sick!
Whether it's long or short, the generals are bored. More and more often they began to remember the cooks they had left in St. Petersburg and secretly even cried.
- Is something going on in Podyachesk now, your Excellency? - one general asked the other.
- Don’t say anything, Your Excellency! my whole heart sank! - answered the other general.
- It’s good, it’s good here - there’s no word! and everyone, you know, it’s somehow awkward for a lamb without a bright spot! and it’s a pity for the uniform too!
- What a pity! Especially as a fourth grader, just looking at the sewing will make your head spin!
And they began to pester the man: imagine, introduce them to Podyacheskaya! So what! It turned out that the man even knew Podyacheskaya, that he was there, drank honey and beer, it was running down his mustache, but it didn’t get into his mouth!
- But Podyacheskaya and I are generals! - the generals were delighted.
- And if you saw a man hanging outside the house, in a box on a rope, smearing paint on the wall, or walking on the roof like a fly - that’s me! - the man answered,
And the man began to make fools of how he could please his generals because they favored him, a parasite, and did not disdain his peasant labor! And he built a ship - not a ship, but such a vessel that it was possible to sail across the ocean-sea all the way to Podyacheskaya.
- Look, however, rascals, don’t drown us! - said the generals, seeing the boat rocking on the waves.
- Rest assured, gentlemen generals, this is not the first time! - the man answered and began to prepare to leave.
The man collected soft swan fluff and covered the bottom of the boat with it. Having settled down, he laid the generals on the bottom and, crossing himself, swam. How much fear the generals gained during the journey from storms and from various winds, how much they scolded the man for his parasitism - this cannot be described with a pen, nor in a fairy tale. And the man rows and rows and feeds the generals with herrings.
Here, finally, is the Mother Neva, here is the glorious Catherine Canal, here is Bolshaya Podyacheskaya! The cooks clasped their hands when they saw how well-fed, white and cheerful their generals were! The generals drank coffee, ate buns and put on their uniforms. They went to the treasury, and how much money they raked in - it’s impossible to tell in a fairy tale or describe with a pen!
However, they didn’t forget about the peasant; They sent him a glass of vodka and a nickel of silver: have fun, man!
The tale was written in 1869.
Two generals
Once upon a time there were two generals, and since both were frivolous, they soon, at the behest of a pike, at my will, found themselves on a desert island.
Generals served all their lives in some kind of registry; they were born there, raised and grew old, and therefore did not understand anything. They didn’t even know any words except: “Accept the assurance of my complete respect and devotion.”
The registry was abolished as unnecessary and the generals were released. Left behind the staff, they settled in St. Petersburg, on Podyacheskaya Street, in different apartments; Each had their own cook and received a pension. Only suddenly they found themselves on a desert island, woke up and saw: both were lying under the same blanket. Of course, at first they didn’t understand anything and began to talk as if nothing had happened to them.
“It’s strange, Your Excellency, I had a dream today,” said one general, “I see that I live on a desert island...”
He said this, but suddenly he jumped up! Another general also jumped up.
- God! Yes, what is this! Where are we! – they both cried out in voices that were not their own.
And they began to feel each other, as if not in a dream, but in reality such an opportunity happened to them. However, no matter how hard they tried to convince themselves that all this was nothing more than a dream, they had to be convinced of the sad reality.
In front of them, on one side, lay the sea, on the other side lay a small piece of land, behind which lay the same boundless sea. The generals cried for the first time after they closed the registry.
They began to look at each other and saw that they were in nightgowns and had an order hanging around their necks.
– Now let’s have a good drink of coffee! - said one general, but he remembered what an unheard of thing happened to him, and he cried for the second time.
- What are we going to do, though? - he continued through tears, - if you write a report now, what good will come of it?
“That’s it,” answered the other general, “you, Your Excellency, go to the east, and I’ll go to the west, and by the evening we’ll meet again at this place, maybe we’ll find something.”
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