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New: Varlam Shalamov. Collection Op. in 6 vols. Volume 1.

M.E. Saltykov-Shchedrin
Collection Op. in 20 vols.
T. 16, book. 1

BEAR IN THE VOIVODIA

Large and serious atrocities are often called brilliant and, as such, are recorded on the tablets of History. Small and comic atrocities are called shameful, and not only are History not misled, but they also do not receive praise from their contemporaries.

I. TOPTYGIN 1st

Toptygin 1st understood this perfectly. He was an old warrior-beast, he knew how to build dens and uproot trees; therefore, to some extent, engineering

knew art. But his most precious quality was that he wanted to get onto the tablets of History at all costs, and for this he preferred the brilliance of bloodshed to everything in the world. So, no matter what they talked to him about: whether about trade, or about industry, or about sciences, he always turned to one thing: “Bloodsheds... bloodsheds... that’s what is needed!”

For this, Lev promoted him to the rank of major and, as a temporary measure, sent him to the distant forest, sort of like a governor, to pacify the internal adversaries.

The forest servants found out that the major was going to the forest to visit them, and began to think. At that time there was such a free spirit between the forest peasants that everyone strived in their own way. Animals prowled, birds flew, insects crawled; but no one wanted to march in step. The men understood that they would not be praised for this, but they could not settle down on their own. “As soon as the major arrives,” they said, “he will fall asleep for us - then we will find out what Kuzka’s mother-in-law is called!”

And sure enough: before the men had time to look back, Toptygin was right there. He ran to the voivodeship early in the morning, on Michaelmas Day itself, and immediately decided: “There will be bloodshed tomorrow.” What made him make such a decision is unknown: for, strictly speaking, he was not angry, but just a brute.

And he would certainly have carried out his plan if the evil one had not misled him.

The fact is that, in anticipation of bloodshed, Toptygin decided to celebrate his name day. I bought a bucket of vodka and got drunk alone. And since he had not yet built a den for himself, he had to lie down, drunk, in the middle of a clearing. He lay down and started snoring, and in the morning, as luck would have it, Chizhik happened to fly past that clearing. This was a special Chizhik, smart: he knew how to carry a bucket, and he could sing for a canary when needed. All the birds, looking at him, rejoiced and said: “You will see that our Chizhik will eventually wear a diarrhea!” Even Leo heard about his intelligence, and more than once he used to say to the Donkey (the Donkey at that time was considered a sage in his councils): “If only with one ear I could listen to how Chizhik will sing in my claws!”

But no matter how smart Chizhik was, he didn’t guess. I thought that a rotten log was lying in the clearing, sat down on the bear and began to sing. And Toptygin’s sleep is thin. He senses that someone is jumping on his carcass, and thinks: “It must certainly be an internal adversary!”

- Who is there, as is the idle custom, jumping on the voivode’s carcass? - he finally barked.

Chizhik should have flown away, but he didn’t even think of that. He sits and marvels: the block has spoken! Well, naturally, the major couldn’t stand it: he grabbed the brute into his paw, and, without even considering the hangover, he took it and ate it.

He ate something to eat, but after eating he realized: “What did I eat? And what kind of adversary is this, of whom there is nothing left even on the teeth?” I thought and thought, but I didn’t come up with anything, you bastard. I ate it - that's all. And this stupid matter cannot be corrected in any way. Because if even the most innocent bird is devoured, then it will rot in the major’s belly just as much as the most criminal one.

- Why did I eat it? - Toptygin interrogated himself, - when Lev sent me here, he warned me: “Do noble deeds, beware of idle ones!” - and from the very first step I decided to swallow siskins! Well, nothing! The first pancake is always lumpy! It’s good that, in the early days, no one saw my foolishness.

Alas! Apparently, Toptygin didn’t know that in the sphere of administrative activity, the first mistake is the most fatal. That, having given administrative running a direction at an angle from the very beginning, it will subsequently move it further and further away from the straight line...

And sure enough, before he had time to calm down with the thought that no one saw his foolishness, he heard the squirrel shouting to him from a nearby birch tree:

- Fool! he was sent to bring us to the same denominator, but he ate Chizhik!

The major became enraged; I followed the starling onto a birch tree, and the starling, don’t be stupid, fluttered to another one. The bear goes to the other, and the squirrel goes to the first again. The major climbed and climbed, he couldn’t help himself, he was exhausted. And looking at the starling, the crow even dared:

- What a beast! good people expected bloodshed from him, but he ate Chizhik!

He followed the crow, and a bunny jumped out from behind a bush:

— Stoeros bourbon! Ate the chizhik!

A mosquito flew from far away:

- Risum teneatis, amici!1 Ate the siskin!

The frog and the swamp croaked:

- The oaf of the king of heaven! Ate the chizhik!

In a word, it’s both funny and offensive. The major pokes in one direction and then in the other, trying to catch the scoffers, and everything goes by. And the more he tries, the more stupid he becomes. Not even an hour had passed before everyone in the forest, young and old,

1 Is it possible not to laugh, friends!

they knew that Major Toptygin ate Chizhik. The whole forest was indignant. This was not what was expected from the new governor. They thought that he would glorify the wilds and swamps with the brilliance of bloodshed, but what did he do! And wherever Mikhailo Ivanovich directs his path, everywhere on both sides there seems to be a groan: “You fool, you fool! He ate the chizhik!”

Toptygin rushed about and roared obscenities. Only once in his life did something like this happen to him. At that time they kicked him out of the den and released a flock of mongrels - and the dog’s children dug into his ears, and into the scruff of the neck, and under the tail! This is how truly he saw death in the eyes! However, he somehow fought back: he injured about a dozen mongrels, and escaped from the rest. And now there’s nowhere to go. Every bush, every tree, every hummock, as if alive, is teased, and he - listen! The owl, what a stupid bird he is, and even he, having heard enough from others, hoots at night: “Fool! He ate the chizhik!”

But what is most important: not only does he himself suffer humiliation, but he sees that the superior authority in its very principle is being diminished more and more every day. Just look, and the rumor will spread to the neighboring slums, and there they will laugh at him!

It's amazing how sometimes the most insignificant reasons lead to the most serious consequences. Little bird Chizhik, and such a vulture, one might say, ruined his reputation forever! Until the major ate him, it never occurred to anyone to say that Toptygin was a fool. Everyone said: “Your dignity! you are our fathers, we are your children!” Everyone knew that the Donkey himself would stand before the Leo for him, and if the Donkey values someone, it means that he is worth it. And so, thanks to some insignificant administrative error, it was immediately revealed to everyone. It was as if it just came out of everyone’s mouth: “Fool! He ate the chizhik!” It’s the same as if someone drove a poor tiny schoolboy to suicide through pedagogical measures... But no, and this is not so, because driving a schoolboy to suicide is not a shameful crime, but the most real thing, which, perhaps, History will listen to... But... Chizhik! pray tell! Siskin! “This is such a funny thing, brothers!” - the sparrows, hedgehogs and frogs shouted in unison.

At first they spoke about Toptygin’s action with indignation (I was ashamed of my native slum); then they began to tease; At first the roundabout ones teased, then the distant ones began to echo; first birds, then frogs, mosquitoes, flies. The whole swamp, the whole forest.

- So that’s what public opinion means! —

Toptygin grieved, wiping his paw on his snout, which had been scuffed in the bushes, “and then, perhaps, you’ll end up on the tablets of History... with Chizhik!”

And History is such a big deal that Toptygin, when it was mentioned, thought about it. On his own, he knew about her very vaguely, but from Donkey he heard that even Leo was afraid of her: “It’s not good, he says, to get on the tablets in an animal form!” History appreciates only the most excellent bloodsheds, and mentions small ones with spitting. Now, if, to begin with, he had slaughtered a herd of cows, dispossessed an entire village through theft, or had demolished a log farmer’s hut - well, then History... but then he wouldn’t give a damn about History! The main thing is that Donkey would then write him a flattering letter! Now look! - he ate Chizhik and thereby glorified himself! He galloped from thousands of miles away, took so many runs and portions - and first of all he ate Chizhik... ah! School boys will know! Both the wild Tungus and the Kalmyk, the son of the steppes, will all say: “Major Toptygin was sent to conquer the adversary, but he, instead, ate Chizhik!” After all, he, the major, has his own children going to school! Until now, they were called major’s children, but the schoolchildren will not let them pass, they will shout: “He ate the little siskin! He ate the chizhik!” How many major bloodsheds will it take to make amends for this dirty trick! How many people to rob, ruin, ruin!

Cursed is that time, which, with the help of major atrocities, builds a citadel of public improvement, but shameful, shameful, a thousandfold shameful is the time, which imagines achieving the same goal with the help of shameful and small atrocities!

Toptygin rushes about, doesn’t sleep at night, doesn’t accept reports, keeps thinking about one thing: “Oh, the Donkey will say something about my major’s prank!”

And suddenly, like a dream in hand, an order from Donkey: “It has come to the attention of his eminence, Mr. Lev, that you did not pacify your internal enemies, but ate Chizhik - is that true?”

I had to confess. Toptygin repented, wrote a report and is waiting. Of course, there could be no other answer except one: “Fool! He ate the chizhik!” But privately, Donkey let the guilty person know (Bear sent him a tub of honey as a present during the report): “You definitely need to inflict special bloodshed in order to destroy this vile impression...”

- If this is the case, then I’ll improve my reputation! - said Mikhailo Ivanovich, and immediately attacked

a flock of sheep and killed every single one. Then he caught a woman in a raspberry patch and took away the basket of raspberries. Then he began to look for roots and threads, and by the way, he turned out a whole forest of foundations. Finally, he climbed into the printing house at night, smashed the machines, mixed up the type, and dumped the works of the human mind into a waste pit.

Having done all this, the son of a bitch squatted down and waited for encouragement.

However, his expectations did not come true.

Although Donkey, taking advantage of the first opportunity, described Toptygin’s exploits in the best possible way, Lev not only did not reward him, but actually scribbled on the side of Donkey’s report: “I don’t believe this officer was brave; for this is the same Taptygnn who killed Lyubimov Chizhik!”

And he ordered that he be discharged from the infantry.

So Toptygin remained 1st Major forever. And if he had started straight from the printing houses, he would now be a general.

II. TOPTYGIN 2nd

But it also happens that even brilliant atrocities are of no use. Another Toptygin was destined to present a deplorable example of this.

At the same time that Toptygin 1st was distinguished in his slum, Lev sent another governor, also a major and also Toptygin, to another similar slum. This one was smarter than his namesake and, most importantly, he understood that in the matter of administrative reputation, the entire future of the administrator depends on the first step. Therefore, even before receiving the running money, he maturely thought through his campaign plan and then only ran to the voivodeship.

Nevertheless, his career was even shorter than that of Toptygin the 1st.

Mainly, he counted on the fact that as soon as he arrived at the place, he would immediately ruin the printing house: this is what the Donkey advised him. It turned out, however, that in the slum entrusted to him there was not a single printing house; although the old-timers recalled that there once existed - under that pine tree - a state-owned manual machine that pressed forest chimes, but even under Magnitsky this machine was publicly burned, and only the censorship department was left, which entrusted the duty performed by the chimes to starlings . The latter, every morning, flying through the forest, carried the political news of the day, and no one was inconvenienced by this.

felt. Then it was also known that a woodpecker constantly writes “The History of a Forest Slum” on tree bark, but this bark, as writings were written on it, was sharpened and stolen by thieves —

Read also: Poor Lisa - summary

ants. And thus, the forest men lived without knowing either the past or the present and without looking into the future. Or, in other words, they wandered from corner to corner, shrouded in the darkness of time.

Then the major asked if there was at least a university or at least an academy in the forest in order to burn them down; but it turned out that Magnitsky anticipated his intentions here too: the entire university was converted into line battalions, and the academicians were imprisoned in a hollow, where they remain in a lethargic sleep. Toptygin got angry and demanded that Magnitsky be brought to him in order to tear him to pieces (“similia similibus curantur”1), but received in response that Magnitsky, by the will of God, would die.

There’s nothing to do, Toptygin 2 pushed, but he didn’t fall into despondency. “If they, the bastards, have no soul, it is impossible to destroy it,” he said to himself, “so we have to take it straight for the skin!”

No sooner said than done. He chose a darker night and climbed into the yard of a neighboring man. In turn, he killed a horse, a cow, a pig, a couple of sheep, and even though the scoundrel knows that he has already ruined the peasant, everything seems little to him. “Wait,” he says, “I’ll roll out your yard on a log, I’ll send you and your bag around the world forever!” And having said this, he climbed onto the roof to carry out his crime. I just didn’t calculate that mother —

it was rotten. As soon as he stepped on her, she just disappeared. The major hung in the air; he sees that he will inevitably crash on the ground, but he doesn’t want to. He grabbed a piece of log and roared.

The men came running to the roar, some with a stake, some with an axe, and some with a spear. Wherever they turn, there is pogrom everywhere. The fences are broken, the yard is open, there are pools of blood in the barns. And in the middle of the yard the gate itself hangs. The men were blown up.

- Look, anathema! He wanted to curry favor with his superiors, but we have to go through this! Oh well —

’s right
,
brothers, let’s respect him!

Having said this, they placed the spear in the very place where Toptygin was supposed to fall, and respected him. Then they skinned him and took the bitch into a swamp, where by morning he was pecked at by birds of prey.

Thus, a new forestry practice emerged, which

1 wedge is knocked out with a wedge.

has established that brilliant atrocities can have consequences no less dire than shameful atrocities.

This newly established practice was also confirmed by Forest History, adding, for greater clarity, that the division of atrocities into brilliant and shameful, accepted in historical manuals (published for secondary educational institutions), is abolished forever and that from now on, all atrocities in general, no matter what their size, are assigned the name of “shameful”.

According to Donkey’s report on this, Lev himself scribbled on it like this: “Let Major Toptygin 3rd know about the verdict of History: let him dodge.”

III. TOPTYGIN 3rd

The third Toptygin was smarter than his namesake predecessors. "Case —

it turns out to be junk! - he said to himself, having read Lev's resolution, - if you do a little mischief, they will laugh at you; If you do a lot of mischief, they’ll raise you to a spear... That’s enough, should we really go?”

He asked Donkey in his report: “If—

If it is not permissible to commit large or small atrocities, then is it not possible to commit at least moderate atrocities?
- but Donkey answered evasively: “You will find all the
instructions necessary on this subject in the Forest Regulations.” He looked into the Forest Regulations, but everything was said there: about fur taxes, and about mushrooms, and about berries, even about spruce cones, but about atrocities - nothing! And then, to all his further pestering and insistence, the Donkey answered with the same mystery: “Act with decency!”

- This is what time we have lived to! - Toptygin 3rd grumbled, - they impose a great rank on you, but they don’t indicate what atrocities to confirm it!

And again it flashed through his head: “That’s enough, should we go?” - and if he hadn’t remembered what a lot of lifting and running money the treasury had in store for him, he really wouldn’t have gone, it seems!

He arrived in the slum on his own, very modestly. He didn’t schedule any official receptions or reporting days, but just dashed into the den, stuck his paw in the hilo and lay down. He lies there and thinks: “You can’t even skin a hare - and even then, perhaps, they will consider it a crime! And who will count? it would be good if it were a Lion or a Donkey - it wouldn’t go anywhere! - what kind of men are they? —

That.
Yes, they found some more history -
that’s truly is
-
that
-
ri
-
I!!” Toptygin laughs in the den, remembering History, and

there is a terrible feeling in his heart: he senses that the Lion himself is afraid of History... How are you going to pull up the forest bastard - he can’t imagine. They ask him a lot, but they don’t tell him to commit robbery! No matter which direction he rushes, as soon as he runs away - stop, wait! I went to the wrong place! There are “rights” everywhere. Even the squirrel has rights now! A pellet in your nose - that's your rights! They have

- he’s right, but he has responsibilities, you see!
And there are no real responsibilities, just empty space! They
eat each other up, but he doesn’t dare bully anyone! What does it look like! And that's all Donkey! He, he is the one who is wise, he is the one who gets this mess going! “Who quickly made the donkey Divya? Who allowed him to be bound?” - this is what he needs to remember all the time, but he moans about “rights”! “Act with decency!” - ah!

For a long time he sucked his paw in this way and did not even truly take over the management of the slum entrusted to him. He once tried to announce himself “in decency”, climbed the tallest pine tree and barked from there in a voice that was not his own, but this did not do any good. The forest bastard, having not seen atrocities for a long time, became so insolent that when they heard his roar, they only said, “Choo, Mishka is roaring! Look, I bit my paw in my sleep!” With that, Toptygin 3rd drove off again to the den...

But I repeat: he was a smart bear and did not lie down in the den to languish in fruitless lamentations, but then to come up with something real.

And I thought of it.

The fact is that while he was lying there, everything in the forest went on naturally in the established order. This order, of course, could not be called completely “prosperous,” but the task of the voivodeship is not at all to achieve some dreamy prosperity, but to protect and protect the established order (even if it is dysfunctional) from damage. . And it’s not about committing some large, medium or small atrocities, but being content with “natural” atrocities. If from time immemorial it has been the custom that wolves skin hares, and kites and owls pluck crows, then, although there is nothing prosperous in such an “order,” but since it is still an “order,” it follows that it should be recognized as such . And if at the same time neither hares nor crows not only do not grumble, but continue to multiply and populate the earth, then this means that “order” does not go beyond the boundaries defined by it from time immemorial. Are these “natural” atrocities really not enough?

In this case, this is exactly what happened. Not once did the forest change the physiognomy that befitted it.

Day and night it thundered with millions of voices, some of which represented an agonizing cry, others a victorious cry. And external forms, and sounds, and light and shade, and the composition of the population - everything seemed unchanged, as if frozen. In a word, it was an order so established and strong that, at the sight of it, even the most fierce, zealous commander could not think of any crowning atrocities, and even “under the personal responsibility of your rank.”

Thus, a whole theory of dysfunctional well-being suddenly arose before the mental gaze of Toptygin the 3rd. I grew up with all the details and even a ready-made test in practice. And he remembered how once, in a friendly conversation, Donkey said:

- What kind of atrocities are you interrogating about? The main thing in our craft is: laissez passer, laissez faire!1 Or, to put it in Russian: “A fool sits on a fool and drives the fool around!” There you are. If you, my friend, begin to adhere to this rule, then villainy will happen by itself, and everything will turn out well for you!

This is exactly how it turns out. You just have to sit and be happy that a fool is chasing a fool, and everything else will follow.

“I don’t even understand why they send the governor!” after all, even without them... - the major was about to be liberal, but, remembering his own content, he hushed up the immodest thought: nothing, nothing, silence...

With these words, he turned over on his other side and decided to leave the den only to receive the assigned content. And then everything went like clockwork in the forest. The major was sleeping, and the men were bringing piglets, chickens, honey and even barnacles, and deposited their tribute at the entrance to the den. At the indicated hours, the major woke up, came out of the den and ate.

Thus, Toptygin 3rd lay in his den for many years. And since the dysfunctional, but coveted forest orders were never violated at this time, and since no atrocities other than “natural” ones were committed, Leo did not leave him with mercy. First he was promoted to lieutenant colonel, then to colonel, and finally...

But then Lukash men appeared in the slum, and Toptygin 3rd came out of the den into the field. And he suffered the same fate as all fur-bearing animals.

1 allow, do not interfere!

M.E. Saltykov-Shchedrin. Bear in the voivodeship // Saltykov-Shchedrin M.E. Collected works in 20 volumes. M.: Fiction, 1974. T. 16. Book. 1. pp. 50-59.